Mike Shiell<\/a>, who joined our judging panel. Mike is best known for supervising and directing Emmy-nominated children\u2019s shows like \u201cThe Backyardigans\u201d and \u201cMike the Knight.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nIn his drawing, two anthropomorphic hot dogs are on a rotating roller grill, the kind you see at concession stands in movie theaters. The hot dog on the bottom is shriveled and dry, and it\u2019s addressing a plump hot dog on the top roller. Mike\u2019s original caption\u2014<\/span>\u201cRelax kid, you\u2019re going to be here for a while.\u201d<\/span><\/i>\u2014alludes to the fact that very few people buy movie theater hot dogs, and with good reason.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nRemember the \u201cSeinfeld\u201d episode that followed Kramer\u2019s efforts to renovate and reopen an old movie theater? He gets help from Lloyd Braun, who\u2019s using his connections in the mayor\u2019s office to give the theater landmark status. When Lloyd visits the theater and tries to buy a hot dog that looks very much like the shriveled one in Mike\u2019s cartoon, the man working the concession stand asks, \u201cAre you out of your mind? This hot dog\u2019s been here since the silent era. You\u2019d have to be <\/span>insane<\/span><\/i> to eat it.\u201d Kramer, eager to avoid embarrassing Lloyd (who was recently hospitalized after suffering a nervous breakdown), insists on eating the hod dog himself. He takes a bite and says, \u201cThat\u2019s delicious. It\u2019s a perfectly <\/span>sane<\/span><\/i> food to eat.\u201d Then his expression changes and he runs outside, where he gets violently ill.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nMovie theaters, of course, are not the only places you\u2019ll find hot dogs on rotating roller grills. They\u2019re also at convenience stores (<\/span>\u201cI\u2019m about to go to 7-Eleven heaven.\u201d<\/i><\/b>) and baseball parks:<\/span><\/b><\/p>\n\n- \u201cAfter the fourth or fifth beer, I start to look better.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cThe bottom of the ninth comes for us all.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
I expected this contest to elicit a lot of penis jokes and was relieved to see only one, which was more than enough: <\/span>\u201cWhen I was a footlong, I could have any bun I wanted.\u201d<\/i><\/b> That entry also qualifies as the month\u2019s worst pun, but it had competition: <\/span>\u201cMy agent called it a theater in the round.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/p>\nTrevor liked this pun\u2014<\/span>\u201c<\/span><\/i>They call me Hebrew Regional.\u201d<\/i><\/b>\u2014<\/b>and spent an inordinate amount of time explaining to Bob why he thought it worked. We all agreed, however, that the best pun was, <\/span>\u201cI\u2019m beyond fixings.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/p>\nThe next three entries put a clever twist on common expressions, and I suspect the first two were submitted by someone who was trying to think of the best way to deliver the joke:<\/span><\/i><\/b><\/p>\n\n- \u201cEvery dog has his day. Mine was last Thursday.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cEvery dog has his day. Mine was in 1987.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cIt\u2019s not the heat, it\u2019s the humiliation.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Each of the following entries explains why the hot dog on the bottom is in such a sorry state:<\/span><\/i><\/b><\/p>\n\n- \u201cI\u2019ve been here since \u2018Gone with the Wind.\u2019\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cHow long have I been asleep?\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cIs it obvious I\u2019m organic?\u201d\u00a0<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cI guess I fell asleep.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cDon\u2019t smoke.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Whereas the next set of captions explain why the hot dog on top looks so much better:<\/span><\/i><\/b><\/p>\n\n- \u201cYou must be relatively new here.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cWho did your filler?\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cBotox?\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Some entries suggested that the hot dog on the bottom doesn\u2019t mind looking so desiccated:<\/span><\/i><\/b><\/p>\n\n- \u201cLay low and look as disgusting as you can. I\u2019ve seen what happens if you\u2019re selected.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cThey\u2019ll eat pretty ones like you for lunch.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cDo you think I <\/i><\/b>want<\/i><\/b> to be chosen?\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cBeats the alternative.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cYou\u2019re next.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Other entries, however, suggested that he\u2019d rather be consumed than continue living as a dried-out, shrunken and shriveled piece of meat:<\/span><\/i><\/b><\/p>\n\n- \u201cFirst you worry they\u2019re coming for you. Then you worry they\u2019re not<\/i><\/b>.”<\/span><\/i>\u00a0<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cAll things considered, I\u2019d rather be eaten.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cAh, to be young and edible.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
These next three captions allude to the fact that the hot dogs are rotating:<\/span><\/i><\/b><\/p>\n\n- \u201cWhen I was your age, we had to crank the wheel ourselves!\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cThis is the worst ride I\u2019ve ever been on.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cSorry, kid, it\u2019s not a Ferris Wheel.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
This caption is good but dark: <\/span>\u201cSorry, kid. I\u2019ve learned not to bond.\u201d<\/i><\/b> It made me think of the books I read about The Vietnam War\u2014\u201cDispatches,\u201d \u201cThe Things They Carried,\u201d \u201cGoing After Cacciato,\u201d \u201cBlood Brothers,\u201d \u201cThe 13th Valley\u201d\u2014all of which addressed the fact that soldiers were often reluctant to get close to new members of their companies because those new members might get killed.\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nHere’s another good but dark joke: <\/span>\u201cThere\u2019s only one way out of here and it\u2019s on a bun.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/p>\nI\u2019m ambivalent about this next entry: <\/span>\u201cAt least it\u2019s better than having sticks showed up our butts.\u201d<\/i><\/b>\u00a0 I like the premise, but the first two words are unnecessary and the last word is offputtingly cute. \u201cButts\u201d sounds like something a child would say. Is \u201casses\u201d a better punchline? Let\u2019s try it: <\/span>\u201cIt\u2019s better than having sticks showed up our asses.\u201d<\/i><\/b> Yes, that works.<\/span><\/p>\nThe final caption I\u2019m choosing to highlight\u2014<\/span>\u201cWhen you reach a certain age, you become invisible.\u201d<\/i><\/b>\u2014reminded me of what Leonard Cohen said when he was 81 and ruminating on stage about the \u201cvarious stages that a man goes through in relation to his allure to the opposite sex:\u201d<\/span><\/p>\nYou start off irresistible<\/span><\/i>
\n<\/span><\/i>And, then you become resistible<\/span><\/i>
\n<\/span><\/i>And then you become transparent<\/span><\/i>
\n<\/span><\/i>Not exactly invisible, but as if you are seen<\/span><\/i>
\n<\/span><\/i>Through old plastic<\/span><\/i>
\n<\/span><\/i>And then you actually do become invisible<\/span><\/i><\/p>\nCongratulations to MARK SCHAEFER, who submitted the winning caption: <\/span>\u201cI\u2019m beyond fixings.\u201d<\/i><\/b>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nThe five runners-up are:<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n\n- \u201cFirst you worry they\u2019re coming for you. Then you worry they\u2019re not.”<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cThis is the worst ride I\u2019ve ever been on.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cIt\u2019s not the heat, it\u2019s the humiliation.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cSorry, kid. I\u2019ve learned not to bond.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cHow long have I been asleep?\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Watch the Judging Process<\/h3>\n
If you want to see how we made our selections, we recorded the process with Mike and its below<\/p>\n
![\"CartoonStock](\"https:\/\/www.cartoonstock.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/06\/MIKE_SHIELL_OLD_HOT_DOGSMALLER.jpg\")
<\/p>\n