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Last month\u2019s contest featured a drawing by<\/span>\u00a0cartoonist Katherine Bettis, who joined our judges\u2019 panel to help select the winning entry and five runners-up. Her drawing is set at a dinner table, where a cow who\u2019s wearing an apron is serving hay to her calf and a human boy. The boy, who\u2019s staring at his portion of hay, looks upset. The cow is speaking.<\/span><\/p>\n Katherine\u2019s original caption was, <\/span>\u201cDoesn\u2019t like hay? Who doesn\u2019t like hay?\u201d<\/i><\/b> That\u2019s better than many captions that are removed from cartoons so just the drawings can be used for caption contests.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n I\u2019ll start this commentary by highlighting an unusually long entry: <\/span>\u201cAnd drop the \u2018I don\u2019t have a four-chambered stomach to facilitate the regurgitation of cellulose before rechewing it into cud\u2019 routine.\u201d <\/i><\/b>\u00a0Though I usually prefer short captions, long ones are fine provided they don\u2019t contain unnecessary words, and this one doesn\u2019t. Most important, it\u2019s funny.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Here\u2019s another good reference to the way cows digest hay: <\/span>\u201cAt least try to regurgitate it before you say you don\u2019t like it.\u201d<\/i><\/b>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Several of you noted that the boy has rudely placed his elbows on the table:\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n That third caption is superior to the first two because people live in houses. How much you like the fourth caption depends on whether you\u2019re bothered by the suggestion that a cow who speaks English wouldn\u2019t understand the difference between forearms and forelegs. I wasn\u2019t bothered and therefore put that entry in my top ten.<\/span><\/p>\n Speaking of which, my top ten included three terrific bestiality jokes my fellow judges didn\u2019t appreciate:<\/span><\/p>\n The first and third captions have the cow addressing the boy, while the second has the cow addressing her calf.<\/span><\/p>\n Here\u2019s the month\u2019s best pun: <\/span>\u201cDon\u2019t be such a brahma queen.\u201d<\/i><\/b> I initially didn\u2019t like the second-best (<\/span>\u201cTommy, would you like to say graze.\u201d)<\/i><\/b>, but it grew on me when I realized that saying graze could be a signal to start eating.<\/span> I hated and still hate the month\u2019s worst pun: <\/span>\u201cWhy the bad moooood?\u201d<\/i><\/b> It somehow ended up on Trevor Hoey\u2019s top-ten list, but only because he has a perverse desire to highlight terrible jokes.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n The next two captions cleverly suggest that the boy is upset not because he has to eat hay, but because he didn\u2019t get as much hay as the calf:\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n There were many dark jokes alluding to the fact that cows become beef:\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n That last caption is especially good because of the calf\u2019s surprised expression, which makes him look like he\u2019s just come to a terrible realization.<\/span><\/p>\n Here\u2019s another great dark joke: <\/span>\u201cI told you not to get attached to the scarecrow.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n And here\u2019s the best scatological joke: <\/span>\u201cJust eat around the bits of poop.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n Here\u2019s a one-word caption: <\/span>\u201cFind!\u201d<\/i><\/b> Initially I didn\u2019t get the \u201cneedle in a haystack\u201d reference and I still think the joke is mediocre, but it is concise.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n The next three entries all allude to the fact that cows have four stomachs\u2014the rumen, reticulum, omasum, and abomasum\u2014but they don\u2019t make sense because the cow\u2019s addressing the boy.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n This joke almost works\u2014<\/span>\u201cI don\u2019t care if you don\u2019t have the stomach for it.\u201d<\/i><\/b>\u2014but the person who submitted it should have used the plural \u201cstomachs.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n Here\u2019s another joke that doesn\u2019t quite work: <\/span>\u201cI spent all day chewing this for you.\u201d<\/i><\/b> The problem, I think, is that the hay on the table looks dry.<\/span><\/p>\n This next caption refers to the fact that dairy cows, which are bred to produce far more milk than their calves require, need humans to help them produce that much milk: <\/span>\u201cCould you give me a hand with the milk?\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n Here\u2019s the month\u2019s best example of turning a common statement into a fitting caption: <\/span>\u201cIt\u2019s a family recipe.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n Whoever submitted this next entry took a similar approach but changed the last word of the statement: <\/span>\u201cIn this house, we chew with our mouths open.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n The following caption highlights a seemingly insignificant detail\u2014there are no plates on the table\u2014while alluding to a common saying: <\/span>\u201cWe don\u2019t have plates. Your father got us banned from the china shop.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n I don\u2019t love any of the final seven entries, but they\u2019re clever enough to warrant inclusion in the commentary:<\/span><\/p>\n Congratulations to DIANE OLIVE, who won the contest with <\/span>\u201cI told you not to get attached to the scarecrow.\u201d<\/i><\/b> The five runners-up are:<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n If you want to see how we made our selections, we recorded the process and posted it on our website.<\/span><\/p>\n\n
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