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In Lila Ash\u2019s drawing, a young woman wearing sweatpants with the word PLINK emblazoned across the bottom is addressing (questioning? scolding?) a dog who\u2019s looking down, as if shamed. Behind the dog are the outstretched legs of a murder victim. He\u2019s lying in the doorway in a pool of blood, and there\u2019s a bloody handprint on the wall by the door. Scattered on the floor is a package and some mail.<\/p>\n
The most obvious caption, and therefore the one I thought of first, is, \u201cBad dog.\u201d<\/b> A similar but less obvious caption is, \u201cWhy the hell did I spend $20 on obedience school?\u201d <\/b>Though I typically like short captions, the longer version is better because it explains why the dog is bad\u2014the owner is too cheap to pay for effective obedience classes.<\/p>\n
My next caption\u2014\u201cYou really went postal\u201d<\/b>\u2014addresses the violence of the scene while incorporating a reference to the trope of the mailman-attacking dog. The New Yorker has a proud history of publishing cartoons that rely on this clich\u00e9. Many are by Leo Cullum, who, as you\u2019ll see, came up with the \u201cdog going postal\u201d joke first:<\/p>\n
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Here\u2019s a similar but more gruesome caption: \u201cSniffing it wasn\u2019t bad enough. You had to tear it right off.\u201d<\/b> In 1977 there was a National Lampoon comedy album called, \u201cThat\u2019s Not Funny, That\u2019s Sick,\u201d and that same charge could easily be levelled at my caption.<\/p>\n
The following two captions have the woman scolding the dog, but not for the right reason:<\/p>\n
Those of you who are fed up with my constantly railing against exclamation points may be eager to call me out for my hypocrisy, but I\u2019ve never advocated a complete ban on that form of punctuation. I just want it used sparingly or, to quote one of Elaine Benes\u2019s boyfriends on Seinfeld<\/i>, not so \u201chaphazardly.\u201d<\/p>\n
My next caption refers to a common but in this case woefully inadequate tactic for addressing and stopping a dog\u2019s bad behavior: \u201c<\/b>I guess now I have to rub your nose in it.\u201d<\/b><\/p>\n
Many dog owners just can\u2019t bring themselves to punish pets who are, like the one in the drawing, so cute. My last caption acknowledges this fact: \u201cHow could I stay mad at someone so adorable?\u201d<\/b><\/p>\n
Now let\u2019s see how you did:<\/p>\n
I really like the following captions, which allude to both a dog\u2019s habit of digging holes and the need to cover up this dog\u2019s crime:<\/p>\n
The next caption (which I love) also addresses the need to destroy evidence of the crime, but through a method that alludes to another common activity for dogs: \u201cFetch the bleach.\u201d<\/b><\/p>\n
Like I did, many of you assumed the woman is scolding the dog not for killing the man but for doing it inside and causing a mess:<\/p>\n
And here\u2019s a caption recognizing, as did one of my captions, that many dog-owners can\u2019t stay mad at their pets for long, no matter what transgressions these pets commit: \u201cAwwww, I can’t stay mad at you.\u201d<\/b><\/p>\n
A similar caption alludes to both a common euphemism for a dog\u2019s making a mess on the carpet and an indulgent owner\u2019s willingness to believe her sweet pet could never intentionally do something bad: \u201cDid you have an accident?\u201d<\/b><\/p>\n
The next three captions presume the victim is the dog\u2019s traditional enemy\u2014a mailman:<\/p>\n
That last caption is similar to (and frankly better than) my own \u201cgoing postal\u201d caption, but, as mentioned above, Leo Cullum came up with the joke first so neither of us gets credit.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m grateful for the next caption, as it confirms I\u2019m not the only sick bastard who thinks it\u2019s funny to make a joke about a guy getting attacked in his most sensitive area: \u201cNot what I meant when I said tear open his package.\u201d<\/b><\/p>\n
And here\u2019s a much less disturbing caption that makes a reference to the package that has not yet been torn apart: \u201cLooks like the muzzle arrived a little too late.\u201d<\/b><\/p>\n
Where there\u2019s a drawing of a dog there\u2019s a way to reference his hostile relationship with cats, and one of you did that quite nicely: \u201cYou really expect me to believe the cat did this?\u201d<\/b><\/p>\n
Like I did, one of you made a reference to the disciplinary tactic of rubbing a dog\u2019s snout in the mess he created: \u201cDon\u2019t make me rub your nose in him.\u201d<\/b> I like the use of the word \u201chim\u201d instead of \u201cit,\u201d and therefore find this caption superior to my own.<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s another caption that\u2019s similar to one of mine: \u201cWe’re going to be late for obedience school again.\u201d<\/b> I would like it even more without that last word. \u201cObedience school\u201d is the punchline, and no words should follow it.<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s a terrific caption that puts a clever spin on the close relationship between dogs and men: \u201cWell, you’re sure not <\/b>that<\/i><\/b> man’s best friend.\u201d<\/b><\/p>\n
In the following caption, which makes a nice allusion to the scattered mail on the floor, the dog\u2019s owner has skewed priorities: \u00a0\u201cJust tell me you didn’t chew up my Cosmo.\u201d<\/b> And here she\u2019s attuned to her pet\u2019s expression but oblivious to everything else: “I know that guilty look. What did you do?”<\/b><\/p>\n
I struggled to come up with a caption that incorporated some reference to the sweatpants, which take on a perhaps unintended significance because the word \u201cPLINK\u201d is so prominently displayed on the back, but I couldn\u2019t do it. One of you, however, succeeded where I failed: \u201cAnd do you think these pants make my butt look too big?\u201d<\/b> Like the \u201cCosmo\u201d and \u201cguilty look\u201d captions, this one succeeds in part because it highlights the woman\u2019s lack of awareness.<\/p>\n
This week, unfortunately, I cannot choose a winner because I can\u2019t decide between these two captions:<\/p>\n