feature for almost thirty years) submitted the cartoon for this month\u2019s caption contest. It\u2019s set in a doctor\u2019s office, where an overweight physician holds a cigar in one hand and a martini in the other while addressing his patient, a slender man who\u2019s sitting on the examination table. The doctor is speaking.<\/span><\/p>\nKuper joined our judging panel and helped select this month\u2019s winning entry and five runners-up. His original caption suggested that the doctor got defensive after the patient questioned his qualifications:<\/span> \u201cWho\u2019s the doctor here?\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/p>\nSimilar entries had the doctor questioning conventional wisdom:<\/span><\/i><\/b><\/p>\n\n- \u201cNobody believes those research studies.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cNine out of ten doctors are wrong.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cI did my own research.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
\u201cI swore a hypocritical oath\u201d<\/i><\/b> is a decent but obvious caption, as evidenced by the fact that it was not only the very first entry we received but one of about twenty variations on the same joke.<\/span><\/p>\nWe also saw this caption a lot: <\/span>\u201cDo as I say, not as I do.\u201d<\/i><\/b> It\u2019s an obvious line\u2014I thought of it as soon as I saw Kuper\u2019s drawing\u2014but the real problem is the second clause, which explains and thereby kills the joke.\u00a0 I wish someone had submitted the shorter and far superior, \u201cDo as I say.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nThese entries have the doctor suggesting that the patient follow his bad example:<\/span><\/i><\/b><\/p>\n\n- \u201cHow about giving up\u2014have you tried that?\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cHave you considered giving up?\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Bob loved this caption\u2014<\/span>\u201cThe real enemy is sugar.\u201d<\/i><\/b>\u2014but it doesn\u2019t actually work because the doctor has a large chocolate bar in his right pocket. If it weren\u2019t there, the sugar caption would be perfect.<\/span><\/p>\nSeveral tasteless entries made me laugh out loud:<\/span><\/i><\/b><\/p>\n\n- \u201cI’ll need the use of that examination table when Nurse Millie arrives.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cNot appropriate? You\u2019re the one with a toy car stuck in his ass.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cWhat did you think of the magazines in my waiting room?\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cNow take that gown off nice and slow.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cI just screwed my nurse.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
These captions explain <\/span>why<\/span><\/i> the doctor is smoking and drinking:<\/span><\/i><\/b><\/p>\n\n- \u201cI have found people will tell their bartender things they will not tell their physicians.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cWe\u2019ve switched from ObamaCare to SinatraCare.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cYou think it\u2019s easy giving this kind of news?\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cWell, I\u2019m not the one with cancer.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cI\u2019m no quitter.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
These entries have the doctor delivering prognoses, none of which is relevant to the patient:<\/span><\/i><\/b><\/p>\n\n- \u201cThere\u2019s no easy way to say this, but I only have six months to live.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cI have six months to live.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cI don\u2019t have long to live.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
This caption has the doctor delivering bad news and cleverly suggests that smoking and drinking are not his only vices: <\/span>\u201cIf I were a gambling man\u2014and I am\u2014I\u2019d say your chances aren\u2019t great.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/p>\nAnd these entries have the doctor giving his patient only somewhat positive prognoses:<\/span>\u00a0<\/i><\/b><\/i><\/b><\/p>\n\n- \u201cIt\u2019s benign, but I want to keep an eye on it until my gambling debts are paid off.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cThe good news is you\u2019ll probably outlive me.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cYou will have a long boring life.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
I\u2019d like that last entry more if \u201chave\u201d were replaced with \u201clive\u201d and the word \u201cand\u201d appeared after \u201clong.\u201d Try it out: \u201cYou will live a long and boring life.\u201d Isn\u2019t that better?<\/i><\/p>\n
In the next three captions the doctor offers what is, under the circumstances, an unhelpful suggestion:<\/span><\/i><\/b><\/p>\n\n- \u201cHave you ever considered a change in lifestyle?\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cI recommend a few lifestyle changes.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cYou need to relax.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
The next two entries present a twist on the same common piece of medical advice:\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/b><\/p>\n\n- \u201cI\u2019m going to take two aspirin and call you in the morning.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cTake two aspirin and call me in the afternoon.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
I prefer the second caption because it goes beyond the obvious joke\u2014that a person who drinks and smokes to excess would need pain relief\u2014and suggests that such a person would not be an early riser.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nThe best topical captions alluded to the shockingly unqualified people (Hesgeth, Kennedy, McMahon, Noem, Rubio, Bondi, <\/span>Gaetz<\/span><\/i>) President Trump has put or tried to put in positions of power:<\/span><\/i><\/b><\/p>\n\n- \u201cI\u2019m trying to become Secretary of Health and Human Services.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cRelax, I was just nominated for Surgeon General.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Here are the month\u2019s best puns:<\/span><\/i><\/b><\/p>\n\n- \u201cLucky for me, your test results are sobering.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cI\u2019m gonna give it to you straight up.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Dark joke: <\/span>\u201cConsider this your farewell parry.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/p>\nAnesthesia jokes:<\/span><\/i><\/b><\/p>\n\n- \u201cWe\u2019ll both be lightly sedated for this procedure.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cDuring the procedure, we\u2019ll both be numb.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Positional alcohol nystagmus joke: <\/span>\u201cI also have a spinning sensation.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/p>\nAnd jokes about the addictive qualities of nicotine, alcohol, and opiates:<\/span><\/i><\/b><\/p>\n\n- \u201cIt\u2019s not nearly as addictive as what I prescribed you.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cCareful, those pills can be habit-forming.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
That first caption would be much better if the word \u201cit\u2019s\u201d were replaced with \u201cthey\u2019re\u201d because the doctor is using two addictive products.<\/span><\/p>\nThis is a terrific example of the \u201coblivious speaker\u201d caption: <\/span>\u201cYou\u2019re in perfect health. What\u2019s your secret?\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/p>\nAnd here\u2019s an odd but somewhat clever reference to the fact that the cigar is lit and the martini is chilled: <\/span>\u201cSo, you want the warm hand or the cold hand?\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/p>\nI\u2019ll conclude with four terrific captions that don\u2019t fit neatly into any category:<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n\n- \u201cI wish they wouldn\u2019t schedule these 5 o\u2019clock appointments.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cI\u2019m feeling great. Thanks for asking. How are you feeling?\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cIt\u2019s nothing I\u2019d worry about.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cNo\u2014but I have a liquor license.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve ever highlighted this many (46) entries. Congratulations to DAVID BOWLUS, who submitted the winning caption: <\/span>\u201cIt\u2019s nothing I\u2019d worry about.\u201d<\/i><\/b>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nThe five runners-up are:<\/span><\/i><\/b><\/p>\n\n- \u201cI wish they wouldn\u2019t schedule these 5 o\u2019clock appointments.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cIt\u2019s not nearly as addictive as what I prescribed you.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cRelax\u2014I was just nominated for Surgeon General.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cNine out of ten doctors are wrong.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/li>\n
- \u201cNo\u2014but I have a liquor license.\u201d<\/i><\/b>
\n<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\nWatch the Judging Process<\/h3>\n
If you want to see how we made our selections, we recorded the process with Peter and you can find it below<\/p>\n
![\"CartoonStock](\"https:\/\/www.cartoonstock.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/02\/Whos-the-doctor-heresmall-300x234.jpg\")
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