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'If this ever stops running, just smack it here a bunch of times and it should start right up.'
'Thank you for your unsolicited parenting advice! In return, I'd like to tell you about a method I know for removing those unsightly age spots.'
'Have you tried hitting Ctrl-Alt-Delete?'
'Try not to be an idiot.'
How to bunt.
'Nasal sprays are very harmful to your sinuses. From now on I want you to use this tiny plumbers helper.'
'It's possible, you understand, that some management might resist taking input from a six-week old kitten.'
'That'll teach your mom to stop giving us obnoxious parenting advice. I slipped the dog's electric Invisible Fence collar into her back pocket.'
'I want you to lay off pork... in fact, I wish everyone would lay off pork.'
'I'm running a special on the naked truth.'
'Don't worry when the chips are down, son... just form a committee.'
'Unfortunately, we don't know as much as we'd like as to why French restaurants serve skimpy portions.'
'My best advice? Never miss an opportunity to pass water...'
'Violence may be the answer.'
'If anyone calls, just tell them to increase their fibre and drink plenty of water...'
'I'm considered the 'go-to' guy... Mostly go-to hell.'
'Never marry a neanderthal- they're impossible to humanize.'
"Christmas, birthdays...this divine guide will help you deal with idiotic gifts..."