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'It's a devil to start on these damp November Sunday mornings - luckily we have a sidesman who works for the AA.'
Woman Bishop with vacuum cleaner. Vicar saying 'It's to appease the traditionalists.'
'You'll have to excuse Billy - he has deeply held religious views.'
'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'
'Perhaps he's heard we're losing our churchwarden.'
'It's not as picturesque as the old steeple but it's saving a fortune in electricity bills!'
'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'
'I hate it when the organist is away on holiday'
Tell me about it--last night I ate a whole sleeve of Communion wafers.
Tags:priest, priests, priesthood, preacher, preachers, clergy, catholic, catholicism, catholics, methodist, methodists, methodism, presbyterianism, presbyterian, presbyterians, anglican, anglicans, anglicanism, lutheran, lutherans, lutheranism, clergymen, clergyman, communion, the eucharist, confession, confessions, confessional, guilt, guilty, glutton, gluttony, confess, weight, overweight, weight issues, loosing weight, diet, dieting, diets, overeating, overeater, binge eating, bishop, bishops, episcopal, episcopalian, religion, religions, religious leaders, religious leader, lent
'So long as he doesn't preach what he practices.'
Tags:schism, schisms, church, churches, church of england, coe, christianity, christian, christians, homosexual, homosexuals, gay marriage, gay marriages, same-sex marriage, same-sex marriages, church marriage, church weddings, gay rights, religious belief, religious beliefs, homophobia, homophobic, homophobe, homophobes, prejudices, discrimination, anglican, anglicans, anglican church, sermon, sermons, vicar, vicars, minister, ministers, preacher, preachers, priest, priests, parishioner
'Put the kettle on, Doreen.'
'I've never been to a schism before.'
Tags:schism, schisms, church, churches, church of england, coe, christianity, christian, christians, homosexual, homosexuals, gay marriage, gay marriages, same-sex marriage, same-sex marriages, church marriage, church weddings, gay rights, religious belief, religious beliefs, homophobia, homophobic, homophobe, homophobes, prejudices, discrimination, anglican, anglicans, anglican church
Yeah? Well my father's better at prayers
'Er... vicar - does the church have a position on the donation of GM vegetables for the Harvest Festival?'
'We finally nailed down where our congregation's priorities lie!'
'Looks like the sexton position is still vacant.'
'Does anyone have a light, please?
'It's not quite as bad as it looks - they're only witholding payment until we publish our expenses.'
'I want a traditional church wedding but Sam prefers something trendy. Can we compromise and do it bunji-jumping from the steeple?'
'Easter coming so soon after Christmas has almost turned Anthony into a regular churchgoer.'
'But why do we have to plough the fields and scatter when we get everything from Tesco?'
'It's easy to tell when it's Nativity Play time - I can never find a tea-towel.'
'I think it refers to the Olympic Motto, not, unfortunately to his actual sermon.'
'It comes to something when the state of the pound is such that we HOPE to find lots of foreign coins!'