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"Your show's a sell out and the critics love you! Now, how do we move the paintings?"
Sold! For £42,000 to the... No wait - it's the wrong way round!
'It only cost $119 million - what's all the screaming about?'
On some of the paintings my right brain says they're good art, but my left brain says they're bad investments. On others, my right brain says they're bad art, but my left brain says they're good investments.
'It sold for how much!'
"When he was 25 years old, Pablo Picasso had a studio in Barcelona, and he painted this door. The bidding begins at 3 million..."
'Bacon? It's more like squashed sausages!'
"I remember when it was worth $50,000, instead of $150 million -- it must have gotten a lot better."
"A Picasso sold for $179 million? Any idea how much that works out to per pound?"
'It was love at first sight!'
'Now, what am I bid for this original Ough?'
An early Picasso painting is sold at auction - it is a painting from when Picasso was a child
'...So you claim this is genuine Rembrandt?'
'Actually, I'm here just for the wine and cheese.'
'Seven hundred and fifty thousand. Any advance on seven hundred and fifty thousand?'
'We're sorry about your loss Mrs Dingleheim. But what about his Picassos?'
'My husband has an acquiring eye.'
'The green dot indicates it's just been sold to someone colour-blind...'
"That reminds me, I must buy a new shredder."