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The Big Tipper
Tags:space, outer space, science, star, stars, constellation, constellations, big dipper, astronomy, astronomer, astronomers, astrology, astrologer, astrologers, service, customer service, service industry, restaurant, restaurants, bar, bars, tip, tips, tipping, tipping culture, tipper, tippers, big tipper, big tippers, customer, customers, money, word play, wordplay
"I'd like to get my hands on the astrologer who told you that!"
Tags:astrologer, astrologers, astrology, prediction, predictions, guess, guesses, guessing, guessing game, guessing games, bad guess, bad guesses, inaccurate, inaccuracy, revenge, vengeance, seek vengeance, seeks vengeance, seeking vengeance, couple, couples, married couple, married couples, bicker, bickers, bickering, row, rows, rowing, fight, fights, fighting
'Hmm...yes, I'm afraid it is a sign of cancer.'
"For what it's worth, next week all your stars and planets will be in good aspect for you to launch an invasion of England."
Tags:astrologer, astrologers, astrology, invade, invades, invading, invasion, invasions, norman, normans, horoscope, horoscopes, luck, good luck, war, wars, warring, warfare, predict, predicts, predicting, prediction, predictions, psychic, psychics, argue, argues, arguing, battle, battles, battling, fortune, fortunes, fortune teller, fortune tellers, fortune telling, start a war, starting a war, england, united kingdom
'Johannes Kepler's uphill batle'
"All mine says is that I often give in to feelings of envy and that I should appreciate what I have. But your horoscope is better."
"Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, when Jupiter is in his 6th house or Saturn is in his 2nd, until death do you part?"
"I see you going on a long journey."
"I don't need to check your chart! The best time for you to have surgery is right now!"
"I was actually born in September, but I identify as a Pisces."
"My client pleads not guilty on the grounds that Saturn was transiting his natal Pluto at the time of the incident."
"These antidepressants should help with your natal Saturn-Pluto conjunction."
"29 degrees in Scorpio? What's that in Fahrenheit?"
'A lot of rubbish. We Leos aren't that easily fooled.'
'Why aren't comets ever discovered by people named Smith or Jones?'
"What's your sign?"
'I'll be right with you. I'm reading my horoscope.'
'Your horoscope says 'a brilliant day for adventure and romance'.'
'I'm actually a soy milky way.'
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the phone. You're telling me that this whole time you've just been making up the horoscopes?"
Tags:magazine, magazines, newspaper, newspapers, periodical, periodicals, media, astrology, astrologer, astrologers, astrological forecast, astrological forecasts, horoscope, horoscopes, zodiac, daily horoscope, daily horoscopes, reading, readings, future, prediction, predictions, telling the future, foretelling the future, predicting the future, psychic, psychics, seer, seers, invent, fake, false, made-up, made up, office, offices, office life, fortune-telling, fortunetelling, fortune, fortunes, fortune-teller, fortune-tellers, fortuneteller, fortunetellers, fortune teller, fortune tellers
"I always start the day by reading my horror scope."
'Don't tell me we've been following the wrong light!'
'Yes, there are a lot of stars, Son. Not as many as there are equity mutual funds, but a lot, nonetheless.'
'My horoscope said I was going to make someone happy today.'