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"The only type of anesthesia your health insurance would cover is a tranquilizer dart."
"You'll find my bedside manner improves greatly when you're no longer contagious."
'Your feet hurt? ? I'm afraid 'feet' are a pre-existing condition.'
"I happened to drive by your house a few days ago, so I'm charging you for a partial house call."
"Say aaargh!" (Dentist presents his bill to a patient).
"The vasectomy clinic? Go past the barbers, left at the scissor factory, cut through the bollards and it's opposite the sewing machine shop."
"I think she's the new nurse. She's been here ever since I can remember."
'Dr. Winslow will be checking your heart. Dr. Briggs will be checking your lungs. And I will be checking your bank account.'
"Apparently in 'managed care,' you manage by yourself."
"I've just performed a tonsillectomy on Daddy while he was asleep."
"Well, I wouldn't go as far as to say your body is a temple, more of an amusement arcade."
'This is serious. He has an enlarged heart and a shrunken pocket book.'
"Oh he survived the operation, it was the bill that killed him."
"You look like a million dollars."
Temperature / Blood Pressure / Finances
I told Humpty to go private.
Hospital - Special this week with every op...free arm fitted at no extra charge!
Hospital Bed Waiting List
Casualty Crash Team.
'I'm very sorry love, only we're a bit short staffed!'
"Mr Potts, could you step behind the curtain and get undressed please."
"You're the only man I know who can clean a filthy cooker with two slices of bread."