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"I'm afraid the celebrities we have are all from the aluminum industry."
"Maybe you recognize me. I'm the really naked guy in those Gianni Versace ads."
Today's Special Guest: Brundage Mornald, of Battle Creek, Montana. Under hypnosis, Mr. Mornald recovered long-buried memories of a perfectly normal, happy childhood.
"Sure I remember you. Have a Nice Day, right? I thought you were dead."
Maps to talk-show guests' homes.
"O.K., I'll explain it one more time. Sometimes even very successful careers come to an end, and you have to teach the things you were once paid to do in order to make rent."
"Snow White lived happily ever after until she gave birth to five kids and became fat."
Modern parlour games. No. 94: Guess the celebrity.
"Now on ITV, over exposed celebrities from hell, presented by Carol Vorderman."
'Oh yes - The sriaght-to-video fellow.'
"Sorry, but due to the large number of c-list celebrities we're no longer able to guarantee everyone their 15 minutes of fame."