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"Evan and I have an open relationship, but, really, who has the energy?"
"I could be a saint if I really wanted to."
Introducing Life Alarm for people who have fallen but don't want to get up.
"Sounds like a heart attack. Tell him to take two aspirin and call my office in the morning."
"Okay, you play dead. 1-2-3 Go!"
"Listen, pal, they're all emergencies."
"Then my wife said it wouldn't kill me to go to the ballet with her."
"Next year, I'm pleasuring myself."
"Press this red button and it will order up a take-away pizza."
"This lawnmower is a real time saver. After pushing it around for an hour, I forget about all the ambitious landscaping plans I thought up over winter."
"Would you read this self-help book to me?"
"This is how it works. If you burn the fish it's "blackened cajun delight". And if you can't be stuffed cooking it, it's called Sashimi!"
Parents. What they say and what they actually mean.
"Uh...not to be bossy, but I wouldn't do it that way."
Glasses half full, half empty, half assed.
'Know what? I can't be arsed.'
The person at the enquiries desk has a shirt on saying 'can't be arsed'.