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'It's a devil to start on these damp November Sunday mornings - luckily we have a sidesman who works for the AA.'
'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'
'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'
'I hate it when the organist is away on holiday'
'Perhaps he's heard we're losing our churchwarden.'
'It's not as picturesque as the old steeple but it's saving a fortune in electricity bills!'
Problems facing Church of England in UK.
'Looks like the sexton position is still vacant.'
'Does anyone have a light, please?
'It's not quite as bad as it looks - they're only witholding payment until we publish our expenses.'
'I want a traditional church wedding but Sam prefers something trendy. Can we compromise and do it bunji-jumping from the steeple?'
'Easter coming so soon after Christmas has almost turned Anthony into a regular churchgoer.'
'But why do we have to plough the fields and scatter when we get everything from Tesco?'
'I think it refers to the Olympic Motto, not, unfortunately to his actual sermon.'
'It comes to something when the state of the pound is such that we HOPE to find lots of foreign coins!'
'It's easy to tell when it's Nativity Play time - I can never find a tea-towel.'
''The knitting circle are playing their part in our heating effficiency programme.'
'But, Mum, if the vicar wasn't coming here Trick-Or-Treating, why did she take the chocolate I gave her?'
'...and we used to grumble about not understanding archaic church language!'
'Er... vicar - does the church have a position on the donation of GM vegetables for the Harvest Festival?'
'We finally nailed down where our congregation's priorities lie!'