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"You have reached our 800 number. . . . If you are a preferred account, please dial B-I-G-S-H-O-T now. . . . If you are an ordinary account, dial J-O-E-B-L-O-W now. . . . If you have a service complaint, dial G-E-T-L-O-S-T now."
Tags:automation, automated, big shot, big shots, status, statuses, separate status, separate statuses, complaint, complaints, complaints line, complaints lines, ordinary person, ordinary people, hotline, hotlines, helpline, helplines, help line, help lines, preference, preferential treatment, unhelpful, bank, banks, banking, tech support, technical support, big bank, big banking, support line, support liens, customer support, customer support line, customer support lines
"This is customer support, or as we call it, the eighth circle of hell."
"I'll take care of it impersonally."
Tags:customer service, bad customer service, executive, executives, manager, managers, boss, bosses, business manager, business managers, business executive, business executives, bad service, impersonal, customer rep, customer reps, customer representative, customer representatives, customer support, customer care, insensitive, insensitivity, indifferent, indifference, detachment, detached
'Thank you for calling Tech Support. Your computer is one month old. We no longer support that model. Good day.'
"Have you tried turning off your conscious mind and then turning it back on again?"
Tags:call centre, call centres, call center, call centers, helpline, helplines, help line, help lines, meditation, meditator, meditating, meditators, customer support, customer service, bad service, metaphysical, computer, computers, pc, pcs, modern technology, modern technologies, modern life, modern times, modern attitudes, turn it off and on again, consciousnesses, conscious mind, guru, gurus, hermit, hermits
"Give me the number of the Snappy Pop Bang Cereal Company, please!"
Tags:cereal, cereals, breakfast cereal, breakfast cereals, metaphor, metaphors, metaphorical, cereal company, cereal companies, help line, help lines, shoot, shoots, shooting, shooting, customer support, customer support line, customer support lines, cereal company, cereal companies, gunshot, gunshots
"We are experiencing high call volume. Please do not hold."
'We've changed our mind. We don't care any more!'
"...If you're still having difficulty with your connection...say 'yes'..."
Tags:helpline, helplines, call line, call lines, automated message, automated messages, answering machine, answering machines, call centre, call centres, call center, call centers, customer helpline, customer services, customer support, computer, computers, desktop, desktops, technical support, it support, technician, technicians, tech, techs
"I'd like to return this book. . . It didn't cover any of personal problem areas."
Tags:clean, cleaner, cleaners, unhygienic, books, self-help book, self-help books, book return, book returns, returns policy, returns policies, bookshop, book shops, personal hygiene, cleaning, hygiene, hygienic, book, return, returns, customer, customer service, retail, shop, shopping, customer support, how-to, how to, complaint, complaints, complaining, complain, title, titles
"I need a little more than just 'meow' when customers call in for tech support."
'Sorry, I'll have to transfer you directly to the individual who can help you. Our runaround team just went to lunch.'
'Hello, you're through to customer irritation ... how may I help you?'
"So, Mr Van Winkle. What were you saying about our alarm clocks?"
"Hello, customer support? My server appears to be down."
Tags:server, servers, butler, butlers, server down, servers down, aristocrat, aristocrats, aristocracy, tech support, tech support line, tech support lines, customer support, customer support line, customer support lines, troubleshoot, troubleshooting, troubleshoots, heart attack, heart attacks, collapse, collapses, idle rich, collapsed
Could you tell them I'll call back as soon as I've dealt with this ravenous Buggblaster from the planet SNARG!
'Santa says, 'are you sure you inserted the batteries correctly'?'
'Our customer support has everything but the human touch.'
'...For someone who really cares call your mother.'
Telephone message - 'This is a recording. If you'd like to speak to a real live human being, forgetaboutit.
'It's bound to go wrong. We made the final payment last week.'
'If you would not like to speak to a human, press one...'
'My new keyboard? Thank you, sir, it's very useful!'
'computer says no.....el!'