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"I'm surprised I'm still single - I always thought I'd be divorced by now."
"Perhaps you're to blame for having unrealistic expectations."
"I'd like to dedicate this next song to all those who thought they'd loved and lost only to find out years later that it was just some sort of scheduling conflict."
"If I can't feel love, what was the point of making me so damn good-looking."
"I'd like to start seeing other castaways."
"Every guy out there is either married, gay, or a human suit zipped around a column of ants."
"It's probably bad news if she refers to the second date as 'mission creep.' "
"Okay, this is the last time we go out on a full moon!"
'Life is all attitude: 45 seconds of enjoying it...45,000 hours of regretting it...'
'I have nothing against you being helium. It's your voice, Steven. Your squeaky, high voice!'
'It's always something. He's not married, not gay, not a mother's boy...but he's being sent up for ten to twenty for embezzlement.'
'How can I make my girlfriend's cat like me?'