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'I'd always hoped that I'd leave this mortal coil surrounded by my beautiful, loving family,,, so can some of you ugly ones move to the back'
'I wish I had learned more trivia.'
'No seriously. His final words actually were, 'If I only had spent more time at the office.''
A Punch and Judy Professor is visited by Death as a puppet.
"I know the doctor said this is only a bad cold, but in case he's mistaken I'd like to hear side eight of 'Der Rosenkavalier' one last time."
"Look, I'm dying. Gotta go."
Tags:black humour, dark humour, deathbed, on your deathbed, busy, business, modern life, modern times, modern attitudes, business man, business men, business person, business people, businessman, businessmen, businessperson, workaholic, workaholics, workaholism, phonecall, phonecalls, end of life, dying, priorities, bad priorities, wrong priorities
"I wish I had spent more time responding to emails."
Tags:death, dead, die, died, dying, sick, sickness, ill, illness, hospital, hospitals, deathbed, death wish, death wishes, regret, regrets, said nobody ever, sarcasm, sarcastic, email, emails, emailing, responding, response, correspondence, relationship, relationships, marriage, married, husband, husbands, wife, wives, spouse, spouses, couple, couples, men, man, woman, women
"No, you die first."
Tags:dead, death, dying, die, dies, died, love, loving, romance, romantic, play on words, word play, word-play, deathbed, death bed, last words, last word, dark, dark humor, dark humour, black humor, black humour, phone, phones, conversation, conversations, lovey dovey, lovey-dovey, gushing, gush, girl, girly, twist, twists, twisted, date, dates, dating, things we do for love, doomed love, extreme, extreme feelings, no you, no you hang up
"Hey, Gramps, is 'deathbed' one word or two?"
Tags:grandpa, grandpas, grandfather, grandfathers, deathbed, deathbeds, insensitive, death bed, death beds, spell check, spellcheck, dying, die, dies, dead, hospital, hospitals, teen, teens, teenager, thoughtless, thoughtlessness, carefree, rude, rudeness, tasteless, uncouth, question, questions, cancer, cancers
"It's a standard deathbed confession, Jimmy. Please don't make us drag out the rubber hoses."
Tags:deathbed, deathbeds, death bed, death beds, confess, confesses, confessing, confession, confessions, interrogate, interrogate, interrogating, interrogation, interrogations, homicide, homicides, homicide police, police, policemen, cop, cops, enhanced interrogation, criminal, criminals, tortures, abuse, abuses, abusing, abuser, abusers
"I hate how you look in that brown suit, but, hey… it's your funeral."
"I always lived vicariously. Why can't I die vicariously?"
Tags:living vicariously, lived vicariously, vicarious living, deathbed, deathbeds, death bed, death beds, surrogate, surrogates, surrogacy, deaths, dying, died, die, dies, life choice, life choices, fear of death, thanatophobia, phobia, phobias, avoidance technique, avoidance techniques, avoidance tactic, avoidance tactics
"Milt, I'm beginning to think that you illness is a disharmony of life energy."
"He's from Texas."
Tags:deathbed, terminal, death, dead, die, died, dying, dies, religious, god, religions, religious imagery, hell, hellish, after life, after-life, afterlife, life after death, underworld, under world, under-world, hades, demon, horn, horns, horned, texas, texan, bigger in texas, do it big in texas, big, bigger is better, cowboy, cow boys, southern, southerners, deep south, region, regions, regional, south america, america
"I want everyone to leave the room, except for the cat."
Tags:pet, pets, cat, cats, will, wills, death, dying, deathbed, death bed, deaths, everyone leave, leave, leaving, wish, wishes, final wish, final wishes, last wish, last wishes, final-wish, last-wish, final-wishes, last-wishes, cat, family, families, love, important, importance, priority, priorities
'Cheer up Mom...They say dead is the new 80.'
"Here he is, folks, straight from his deathbed in Jersey City, a beautiful guy—let's hear a nice round of applause for . . ."
Tags:deathbed, terminal, death, dead, die, died, dying, dies, heaven, heavenly, heavens, heavenly gates, pearly gates, st peter, peter, saint, saints, angel, angels, angelic, angelically, religious, god, gods, lord, religions, religious imagery, st. peter, the heavens, after life, after-life, afterlife, life after death, paradise, paradiso, nirvana, condolence, condolences, sympathy, sympathies, introducing, introduction, introductions, introduce, introduced, audience, applause, applaud, applauded, applauding, applauds
"We're hoping for an uptick."
Tags:hospital, hospitals, medical, medicine, doctor, doctors, patient, patients, health, health care, healthcare, bed ridden, sick, sickness, ill, illness, serious, deathbed, death, hope, hoping, uptick, positive, optimist, optimists, optimism, black humour, black humor, dark humor, dark humour, terminal, stock, stocks, stock market, broker, brokers, stockbroker, stockbrokers, trading, economy, investor, investors, investment, investments, investing
"Get me my gun. I want to squeeze off a few last rounds."
Tags:death, dying, deathbed, deathbeds, death bed, death beds, bed ridden, bed, beds, old age, old man, old men, elderly, senior, seniors, senior citizen, senior citizens, man, men, gun, guns, firearm, firearms, rifle, rifles, hunt, hunting, hunter, hunters, gun owner, gun owners, shoot, shooting, violent, violence, gun violence, last wish, last wishes
"His last word was the F-one."
Tags:swearing, swear, swears, expletive, expletives, famous last words, last word, last words, final words, deathbed, death, dead, died, dying, dies, terminal, surgeon, surgery, surgeons, doctor, doctors, hospital, hospitals, bad news, bearer of bad news, be the bearer of bad news, censor, censored, bad word, bad words
'My parents died. Their parents died. Their parents died...it runs in the family.'
"We're letting him think there's a big media deathwatch."
Tags:deathwatch, deathwatches, ego, ego-stroking, ego stroker, ego strokers, big up, big ups, bigging up, self-esteem, self-esteem boost, self-esteem booster, self-esteem boosters, deathbed, deathbeds, death bed, death beds, terminal, terminal condition, terminal conditions, sense of importance, importance, inflated, self-worth, egotist, egotists, egotistical, white lie, white lies, lie, liars, liar, good friend, good friends, public figure, public figures, minor celebrity, minor celebrities, status, social status, die, dies, dying
"If I could pick just one keepsake, I think it would be the mutual funds."
Tags:mutual fund, mutual funds, keepsake, keepsakes, memento, mementos, tchotchke, tchotchkes, sick, sickness, ill, illness, greed, greedy, greediness, stock, stocks, stockholder, stockholders, investor, investors, investment, investments, investing, deathbed, deathbeds, remember, remembers, memory, memories, offspring, selfish, selfishness, memorial, memorials, in memorium, reminder, reminders, money motivated, greed motivated
'Sure, as a young man I had dreams: fame, adventure...paying off my student loans.'
"I'd like to donate all my organs to Republicans for Bob Dole."