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Thankyou for choosing our automated service - for venial sins, press one...'
'I tell you. trying to get ahold of the right person can be a major undertaking! I've been pressing buttons for five minutes trying to find someone that can answer my question!' - 'Call for you on line three.' - (Looking at phone)
"No, I'm Moby Fred, but I'll be glad to take a message."
'Well, I'm sorry you misdialed, but I'll still have to bill you for my time and effort in picking up the receiver.'
'We're sorry, the number you dialed is no longer in service. Please check your head and dial again. . .'
'The number you have dialled is your own, you will be billed a $25.00 moron charge.'