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"It seems the patient wishes to exercise his right to choose his own doctor. Is there another doctor in the house?"
'Everyone accuses me of being a 'control freak'.'
"If I need to stop smoking and lose weight...what are you going to do about it?"
'This get well card is from the nurses you have been complaining about.'
'I don't have to take guff from anyone. I'm the doctor! Go out there stand up to her...'
"The food tastes like cardboard, it's way too noisy in here....and when can I see a real doctor!!??"
"Stop ringing for the nurse. We know you're here."
'Which one do I get in?'
"I'm recommending a transplant. I'm transplanting you to another hospital."
"Let's make a deal, doc. I'll stop diagnosing myself on the internet when you start making house calls again."
"More than one person has claimed I've driven them to drink."
"Is this the one who was demanding a private room?"
"You're not making this easier for any of us."
"Please, please... stop buzzing the nurses every 30 seconds! My home-life has been hell since you became my wife's patient!"
'This is a tongue depressor for patients who won't stop talking.'
"It's wonderful how John is able to get 100% compliance from his patients!"
"Nurse Jensen is old school."
'The doctor is on medical leave. Diagnosing your hypochondria gave him repetitive stress disorder.'
'Wait! Wash my dentures first.'
'That pest in 453 is being discharged.'
'It's Mrs Yomp - she can't remember if she should take the aspirin first and call you in the morning, or call you first, then take the aspirin...'
'Yes, but Hippocrates doesn't have Elma Yomp as a patient!'
'Now, 'ol doc, he'd have wrapped 'er the other way.'
'It's a get well soon card, from all the hospital staff.'
'That's his third trip out here. He must have a touchy patient in the chair.'