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"If you're nervous, just imagine everyone in the audience without their Spanx."
"There are a couple aliens at the door saying you're sending shock-waves through the time-space continuum. They want you to get off the treadmill."
"It's time they criminalised offshirting."
"I don't see 'contracting diabetes by the age of 30' as a viable career option Jenkins..."
Old MacDonald's Fat Farm
"My manager said this office isn't big enough for the two of us. So, I suggested she lose weight."