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"The good news is thet a number of GPs have agree to take action on a number of dangerous 'lifestyle' issues..." "And the bad news?..." "They've decided the best way to reduce their risk is by retiring!"
Doctor, I looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead. Don't believe everything you read on the net.
"It's a 'well pissed off note'."
'Did you cut your lip shaving or is the bandage across your mouth evidence you want to listen to me?'
BMA told to radically overhaul communications.
"I read in the paper that I'm fat and that you've got to sort it out!"
"Have you had that signed in triplicate?"
"Erm! We've discovered that our list of the 10 most successful doctors,none of whom made ANY referrals last year...were all spelling mistakes!"
"As your medical degree qualifies you to do a business plan I think my management degree qualifies me to examine your prostate."
New contract favours 'business-savvy' GPs.
"Welll your balance is OK...now lets check your credit rating!"
'Good news. Your blood pressure has dropped after my collection agency stopped sending you threatening messages.'
'To cut down on malpractice suits, my colleague, Dr. Hand, will do all the talking...'
"I'm thinking of drinking and smoking a lot and getting really fat so I'll need a full check-up in July 2007"
'Smoke two joints, and call me in the morning.'
'Your case would make a great medical journal article, but frankly, the national enquirer pays more.'
'If by 'recalcitrant' you mean 'dead'. you're correct.'
'On Mondays & Tuesdays, Dr. Pruess prractices conventional medicine; on Thursdays & Fridays, he practices alternative medicine.'
GP funding problems
'Mr. Peters, we're going to throw out your medical records and start you from scratch as a healthy man.'
'Assuming I am a hypochondriac, couldn't that condition be brought on by a brain tumor?'
'I'm sorry, Dr. Hecht is not accepting any new patients, because he's in too high a tax bracket already.'
Doctor to patient - 'It's bad news I'm afraid - you live in the North.'
'In case of malpractise break glass.'
"Well....THAT�S never happened before"