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"Those are the headlines, and we'll be back in a moment to blow them out of proportion."
'It's hard to tell. This is a fake newspaper from the comic strip prop department.'
'Earth shaking news, stationery store moves.'
"This just in! There was no violence in the mideast today..."
"Was the perpetrator an immigrant? No? Damn. . . do immigrants live in his neighbourhood? Has he ever been abroad? No? Rats. . . Wait! Does he like garlic? Yes? Great!! Let's print the story!!!"
"The news outlets show us an unending barrage of horrors and disasters and yet you're unfailing upbeat and happy. How can I be like that?"
"Everything in the news . . . what we really need is better education. . ."
"And that's tonight's news. . . now for tonight's news rebuttal from Trump."
"The problem with you, Stanley, is you're in denial but you won't admit it."
Get ready, news beginning.