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'Here he comes to save the day. . .'
'I'm afraid there's been a 23% cut in the 'empathy and compassion' budget so you'll have to tell him to sod off now!'
'It's important to treat all our patients as individuals...this for example is individual number 78/yh5-fg34c.'
'Due to cutbacks we've had to accept a sponsor for your stitches.'
'He's worried that the 20% that changes is the only 20% he knows!'
The NHS Response to Change: See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, Wouldn't know Evil if it Sat on His Face.
'But if we didn't measure things we wouldn't know how good we were at measuring the things that we're measuring.'
'In principal we're happy with the 'trust' idea...as long as it's properly monitored and regulated.'
'In the event of the end of medicare, which country has an intact health care system?'
Stress on GPs
'Actually I think you'll find it's really more like this.'
'The NHS wants patients to make more decisions about their treatment...so here's your blood tests and a prescription pad, I'll be back later.'
'The NHS is completely 'patient focussed'...and we have the paperwork to prove it.'
'Exercise is good for your rehabilitation, you can start by cleaning the toilets.'
'This is the discharge nurse, she'll be able to tell you about all the services you aren't able to get any more when you leave.'
'I'll be back to address your needs as soon as the Government's White paper has identified what they are!'
'He logged onto the Obamacare website and I haven't seen him since.'
'I'm afraid we've lost all your records but a focus group we consulted was 49% in favour of you being pregnant.'
'Depressed, not sleeping, low self esteem...still enough about me, what can I do for you?'
'I can't go cold turkey...just let me interfere a little. A few targets, that's all I need just a few targets.'
'If we could just work out how to allocate enough medication to sufficient number of wrongly diagnosed non-existent patients who we've never met then we'd be in for a windfall.'
'Advances in technology are staggering...they can spend ten times as much four times more quickly for only a tenth of the results.'
Regulators Claim Practices Are Overloaded With Patient Surveys.
TRUST: 'Are you telling me that none of you knows what it means?'
'We agreed that your contract was too complicated so we redrafted it to cover your new responsibilities.'