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'The good news is, you have money up the wazoo. The bad news is, you're constipated.'
'You can have general anesthesia or just be numbed from the wallet down.'
"You don't get a room, Mr. Rheinschreiber, because you don't pay for a room! That's the whole idea of same-day surgery!"
Tags:hospital, hospitals, clinic, clinics, doctor's office, doctor's office, medical, medicine, doctor, doctors, nurse, patient, patients, health, health care, healthcare, surgery, surgeries, operation, operations, same-day, hospital room, hospital rooms, room, rooms, money, health insurance, managed health care, managed healthcare, privatised health care, privatised healthcare, privatized health care, privatized healthcare, for-profit healthcare, for-profit health care, healthcare reform, health care reform, medical–industrial complex
'Well, he's lost a lot of candy but we've managed to stabilize him.'
A raccoon is hooked up to a trashcan IV.
'Excuse me, did someone here request to see the head nurse?'
"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"
"I'm prescribing homemade chicken soup. The one unpleasant side-effect is you'll have to heard my mother tell you about her grandchildren."
Tags:chicken soup, prescription, prescriptions, mother, mom, moms, mom's, mum, mums, mum's, homemade, home made, cure-all, cure-alls, comfort, comforts, comforting, grandmothers, grandma, grandmas, brag, brags, bragging, obsession, obsessions, obsess, obsessing, side-effect, side-effects, prescribe, prescribes, prescribing, doctor, doctors, hospital, hospital room, hospital rooms, hospital visit, hospital visits
Vet Hospital Corners
Death visits a patient while wearing a clown nose.
'I'm curious about your out-of-body experience. As you floated above your hospital bed, how noticeable was my bald spot?'
A nurse refuses to hand deliver a meal to a man with a contagious disease.
Tags:undiagnosed disease, unknown disease, hospital, hospital room, patient, diseases, fear of disease, hypochondria, hypochondriasis, isolation, isolations, isolation unit, isolation units, contagious disease, medical care, contagious diseases, contagious, contagion, contagions, infection, infectious, infections, infectious disease, infectious diseases, staff fear, ebola, nosophobia
'I installed a primer. Press it 3 times in the morning and you should start up on the first try.'
'The doctor said you've been whining about taking a baby aspirin everyday, so he's switching you to crybaby aspirin.'
All hospital rooms are expensive care units today.
'Bad news, pastor. The only donation we've gotten so far is a Wurlitzer from the orchestra.'
'No, no - don't get up. I'll show myself out.'
'We got your test results back. Read it and weep.' Bedside bloopers
'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'
Look on the bright side...they'll probably name a disease after you.
Nurse cautioning a patient
"That's a semi-private room for you. You caught his and he caught yours."
"Why don't you get yourself a sandwich or something and let me grab a nap."
"They call this a semi-private room?"