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Home Owner's Insurance Adjuster of the Year
'I understand that you only use your vehicle once a year, Mr. Claus, but you drive over a million miles that night. That's why your premium is so high.'
'Instead of hunting tonight, why don't we call an insurance agent saying we want to buy a policy, and eat him when he arrives?'
'Oh, great, my insurance agent. I was just texting you.'
'How much will you get if the building you're working on burns down tonight?... Five to ten years.'
"Do you further promise to love, honor and obey this insurance company and to disclose to it any pre-existing medical conditions?"
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'Dad, do you really think trying to sell me life insurance counts as quality time?'
Insurance agents in Heaven.
'Sorry, with this policy you can only get a second opinion from your insurance agent.'
'Adjuster of the Year' reads a Sports Illustrated at his desk that has two boxes, 'Claims Denied' and 'Claims Paid.' The first has an over flowing stack of paper in it, the other a single sheet of paper.
'Your policy does cover wind damage, but not from huffing and puffing.'
'You took out a policy with us Tuesday morning and had a fire Tuesday afternoon...What was the delay?'
"Here's my card. I'm an insurance agent too."
'On the contrary, I think this is the BEST time to talk about life insurance.'
'Our car was broadsided. Luckily the other driver was our insurance agent.'
"Forgive me, Big Al, for I've been involved in an accident."
'Before you know it you'll be out swinging a golf club at your insurance agent.'
"We cannot write a life policy for your husband, Mrs. Blaine, because he is already dead. In insurance terms, that is considered a preëxisting condition."
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I was an accident. The only baby pictures of me were taken by an insurance adjuster.
'Are you prepared should one of you melt?'
Captain Eddie's New Boat: 'First of all, Eddie, most people don't usually lose theah boats...'
"But you're not allowed to make cold calls."
"He's not a big, bad wolf, Gramps - he's a predatory insurance agent!"
'Don't be alarmed. We've cut out the middleman.'