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Acts of God
The Evolution of Insurance
"I'm not here to take away your guns—I'm here to sell you some overpriced insurance."
'No, I'm not interested in tsunami insurance.'
'Instead of hunting tonight, why don't we call an insurance agent saying we want to buy a policy, and eat him when he arrives?'
'We deny most claims, but that's how we keep your premiums so low.'
'I'd like to buy extinction insurance.'
'Hey, do you sell flood insurance?'
"To get life insurance, you have to give me your family medical history, what's so hard about that?"
'Dad, do you really think trying to sell me life insurance counts as quality time?'
'Does this policy cover heartburn?'
"Do we want to be members of a small, elite club of families willing to respond to insurance-survey questions during dinnertime?"
Insurance agents in Heaven.
The Shop-at-Home Channel's Lowest-rated Show:The Insurance Hour.
"For someone your age, the yearly premium on a $5,000 policy is $8,000."
'Remember, your fire insurance is only good if your house burns down...melting doesn't count.'
"Here's my card. I'm an insurance agent too."
"Unfortunately, the premium for lemmings tends to be..shall we say...on the more expensive side."
'Is my homeowners policy covered for global warming?'
'On the contrary, I think this is the BEST time to talk about life insurance.'
"Parasito insurance would like to warn you to avoid toxic, cancer-causing industrial chemicals, questionably tested drugs, and genetically-modified food."
"How often have you asked yourselves 'who would pay the ransom if I were kidnapped by terrorists?'"
Larry knew how to close a sale.
"What do you mean, you don't want any!"