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"Sorry about that resumé. I haven't had much call recently for words or math."
"Tell me more about the years you spent in formaldehyde at Area 51."
Tags:area 51, formaldehyde, preservative, preservation, interview, interviewer, interviewee, personnel, recruiter, recruitment, alien, aliens, extra terrestrials, extra terrestrial, staff, staff member, employee, extraterrestrial, extraterrestrials, extra-terrestrial, extra-terrestrial, conspiracy, conspiracies, conspiracy theory, conspiracy theories, conspiracy theorist, conspiracy theorist, united states air force, united states airforce facility, government cover up, government cover-up, nevada desert, aliens are real, i want to believe, personnel officer, personnel officers, hr, hr officer, human resources, human resources officer
"We do value optimism here, but nobody is going to be influenced by happy faces in the margins of your resume."
"If we give you an office with a window, how do we know you won't just fly away?"
Tags:bird, birds, birdman, birdmen, hiring, hiring process, hire, interview, interviews, job interview, job interviews, interviewer, interviewers, interviewee, interviewees, human resources, hr, h.r., recruitment, recruiter, recruiters, job application, job applications, applicant, applicant, searching for work, looking for a job, applying for a job, searching for a job, employee, employment, promotion, promotions, office manager, office managers, office management, businessman, businessmen, office, offices, office space, office spaces, anthropomorphic, anthropomorphism
"I have a Bachelor's degree from Columbia, an MBA from Stanford, six years experience, and I'm a hell of a mouser."
Tags:cat, cats, feline, felines, hiring, hiring process, hire, interview, interviews, job interview, job interviews, interviewer, interviewers, interviewee, interviewees, human resources, hr, h.r., recruitment, recruiter, recruiters, job application, job applications, applicant, applicant, searching for work, looking for a job, applying for a job, searching for a job, employee, employment, promotion, promotions, c.v., c.v.s, cv, curriculum vitae, resume, resumes, anthropomorphic, anthropomorphism, education, educated, college, university, uni, ivy league, college degree, college degrees, mba, ba, b.a., bachelor’s degree, bragging, bragging, puffery, showboat, showboating, bluster, boast, boasting, flex, flexing, braggart
"We already know everything about you. The résumé is just to see if you can write and complete sentence."
Tags:employment, employ, employed, employer, cv, c v, resume, resumes, resume skills, c v skills, cv skills, interview, interviewee, interviews, interview skills, recruit, recruitment, business, office, offices, hr, h r, human resources, old, older, elderly, old man, experience, experienced, age, ageism, old age, working age, retire, retired, retirement age, retirement
Vlad the Employer
Tags:prince, wallachia, ruler, rulers, vlad dracula, vlad the impaler, employer, recruiter, recruiters, recruitment, employers, employment, employee, employee, interview, interviews, interviewee, manager, managers, management, hiring, hired, hiring manager, boss, history, historical, historical figure, historical figures, viking, vikings
"We have very little need these days to employ a cudgel."
Tags:nomad, nomads, nomadic, modern, modernity, modern life, culture shock, wander, wanderer, hobo, hobos, homeless, interview, resume, cv, resumes, job, jobs, hob interview, work, working, job search, employ, employed, employment, employs, employer, employee, employers, employees, hr, h r, human resources, human resource, interview, interviews, interviewee, training, trainer, trainee, cudgel, cudgels, h r nightmare, unemployed, unemployment, job search, out of work, technology, old fashioned
"Long hours are no problem – I mean it's not like the job involves heavy lifting or anything."
"I called you back for a second interview to show you the origami I make with your résumé."
"Other than 'banging supermodels' and 'having a wee' on my grave, where do you see yourself in 5 years."
Tags:interview, interviews, job interview, job interviews, interviewer, interviewers, interviewee, interviewees, job candidate, job candidates, bad candidate, bad candidates, misogynist, misogynists, misogyny, where do you see yourself in 5 years, 5 year plan, 5 year plans, rude, rudeness, crude, crudeness
"Humility is a virtue, but not on a resume."
Tags:recruitment, recruitments, recruiter, recruiters, personnel, hr, h.r., human resources, hr department, hr departments, interview, interviews, interviewee, interviewees, job seeker, job seekers, job hunter, job hunters, job application, job applications, resume, resumes, cv, c.v., humility, humble
"Enough about the forest, why don't you show us more trees?"
'What about short-term? Where do you see yourself in five minutes?'
'We'll keep your application on file and if we ever lower our standards...'
"I'm sensing confidence, boldness, and moral sensibility. You're not going to turn out to be a whistleblower, are you?"
'Besides a great smile, do you have any other qualifications we could consider?'
"Oops! The padding just fell out of this résumé."
"I can say 'Yes, sir,' in three different languages."
'Long term I want to enhance my leadership skills and ascend the corporate ladder. Short term I want a mocha latte.'
"I fear there are only so many bamboo metaphors the average reader can tolerate."
Tags:interview, interviews, interviewer, interviewee, interview skills, interview skill, get hired, hired, hiree, hiring, hires, new hire, new hires, panda, pandas, talking animal, talking animals, job, jobs, new job, new jobs, working world, work, world of work, editorial, editor, editors, censor, censorship, metaphor, metaphors, puns, pun, overused, overuse, over used, over use, bamboo, bamboo joke, panda, pandas, cute, cute animals, manuscript, manuscripts, agent, agents, rejection, reject, rejected, book, books, bookish, book worm, book worms
'Where do you see yourself in five years? Still looking for work?'
"You're desperate - I like that."
Tags:interview, interviews, interviewing, interviewee, interviewer, interviewers, interviewees, recruit, recruitment, recruiter, recruiters, job, jobs, job search, career, careers, job recruiter, job recruiters, corporate recruitment, corporate, hiring, hired, hire, hiring manager, hiring managers, unemployed, unemployment, desperate, desperation, need work, application, applied, resume, cv, credentials, skills
"Any other strengths?"