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"The secret to shorting is to be the shorter, not the shorted."
'Long term I like energy and transportation stocks. Short term I like lottery tickets.'
'With my brains and your money, we have nothing to lose but your money.'
'My first piece of advice is not to put all your eggs in one basket.'
'I'm going to recommend a stock that has consistently outperformed the market since this afternoon.'
'Oh oh! My Internet security software is directing recommendations, from my broker, to the junk file.'
'Can he call you back? He's viewing his favourite internet site.'
'Merrill Lunch: Invest in our blue-chip soups and sandwiches.'
"For one thing, I wouldn't put all my eggs in one basket..."
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'This is Howard, our former investment advisor. He went along with a career change suggested by his clients.'
'Let me explain it this way: our 'Nouveau Riche' fund has been renamed the 'Nouveau Poor' fund.'
'I buy a different stock every month. Sooner or later I will make a wise investment!'
'If you're so smart, how come you never invest any of your own money?'
"Anyway, "Plan B" was shoplifting to supplement my retirement income, and that brings me to our meeting today."
Tags:retirement, retirement income, retirement planning, retirement plan, retirement plans, financial advisers, financial, finances, financial adviser, retirement account, pension, senior, senior citizen, oldie, elderly, oap, old age, aging, investment broker, financial consultant, money, accountant, business, savings, savings account, banker, convict, convicts, criminal, criminals
'How come you always get to be Warren Buffett and I have to be George Soros?'
"Your stork analyst is here, sir."
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"Just sign here, sir - it clears me of any responsibility."
'Yes...our chief analyst is recommending further investments in the new year.'
"We're interested in short term growth."
Investment Broker - "First the good news. Textiles are up, chemicals are up and electricals are up. The bad news is you don't have any."
"Does it say what we use for money?"
"First of all I feel I owe you an apology."
To err is human..."Come in, Mr. Wilks."
'He's our most optimistic broker. No, matter how bad things get, he always lands on his feet.'
'It's a deal, for $15 an hour, I'll stand in front of your office.'