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'We only hire people who are willing to take on more than they can handle.'
Success in a modern business setting requires more than the ability to mime to 'Arctic Monkeys' while blancing a pint of lager on your head.
"All social work staff are now required to have appropriate qualifications...Norman's is in accountancy!"
"As a company, and as individuals, we are without irony. Will that bother you?"
...Can I come back and re-apply with a dumbed down C.V.?
"I've got to be honest. It's going to be hard to find you a position that offers 40 days of personal time."
"What we're looking for is somebody of about twenty five with forty years' experience."
"This position requires someone with a thick skin... Well, do you think you're up to the job, big nose?"
"They wanted a strong church leader here, they've got one!!"
'The main requirements for this job are the ability to live without money, skilled at mind numbing work and getting along with disgruntled coworkers.'
'We've been looking far and wide for someone to do a job requiring multi-tasking...if you're interested, the job is yours!'
'Texn!' ('anagram compiler wanted')
"Basically, we have a short-term vacancy in our human sacrifices department."
Education and the workplace
"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."
"We were looking for somebody with experience in mumbo-jumbo but your resume is mainly about gobbledegook."