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'We had a group think about implementing paradigm shifting re-prioritisations of our inward facing media strategy in order to enhance our communication with the average man on the street.'
Does your accountant speak your language?
'Among my many talents, not shown on my resume, is that I can say 'multivarient transformative interactive analytical heterogenacity in management leadership' three times fast.'
"Prioritising focus based paradigms with an outcome driven programme, blah, blah." "Did you understand any of that?" "Only the Blah! Blah! bit."
"Incentivize me with a paradigm of mesculin greens and grilled chicken."
"He has to put a fiver in every time he says 'fiscal imperative' or 'target orientated processes'"
"I can give you a 93.4% assurance that there is less than a 65.6% possibility that this excercise will simply generate 34.8% more meaningless statistics."
"Did you understand any of that?" "Only the blah! blah! bit."
Management self help books: "He's staring at me, do you think he's having some kind of seizure?" "Managing negotiations chapter 3, 'maintain eye contact whilst reinforcing image of strength and warmth'"
"By using the accelerated graphics port with the m202 riser we can implement a data trawl without the 8ot network blah,blah cascading through the network..."
"Despite years of management training john still found it difficult to give negative feedback."
Management Speak - reading between the lines: "This new role would involve some extra responsibilities." "He wants me too work twice as hard."
The team had decided that strict sanctions should be imposed upon users of terms like 'target orientated'.
"The good news is that you've been invited to a leaving do, the bad news is that it's yours."
'We don't need helicopter vision, Manfred. We need a helicopter.'
"I've written an innovative multi-platform blue sky interdisciplinary paradigm stretching insight into the abuse of jargon."
"In order to meet the targets as outlined in the minutes of the management blah! blah! co-ordinate future policy settings to maximise eempowermnt blah customer led services blah monitoring effectiveness." "Did he just say blah! blah?" "Twice!"
'You need to think outside the box.'
'As part of our initiative to promote positivity at work, this is the proposed new mission statement.'
"Right we need an urgent response to our productivity problems..."
"I knew I should have learnt more management speak!"
"HR would likes us to remove any reference to 'compassion' from the job description and replace it with 'a qualification in client facing communication and empathy management skills'!"
"Which bit of 'You're Fired' don't you understand?"
Tags:personnel, personnel realignment, fired, firing, sack, sacks, sacking, fire, fires, sacked, unemployed, personnel manager, personnel managers, office restructuring, staffing cuts, redundancy, redundancies, corporate jargon, management speak, management speech, business jargon, management jargon, communication, communicator, communicators, communications
"Head office says that transparency in communicating internally and with clients is of paramount importance..."