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'He used to be my heart-throb, now he just gives me palpitations'
HUSBAND FOR SALE - Am keeping the house.
'I thought I'd found Mr Right - instead, he's Mr Always Bloody Right'
'He goes without saying - usually to the pub' (woman to marriage counselor)
'Of course we can't share a suitcase - not if I'm in Greece and he's in Margate'
'We're having another leadership contest'
'On TV they play dramatic music as the contestants enter the ring'
'He's romantic in his own way - I mean he's out celebrating our wedding anniversary as I speak'
'Funny how the pub quiz champion can't tell what time it is'
'I wish she WAS two-faced, then I wouldn't have to look at this one'
'His 'get up and go' usually surfaces once the pub's opened'
'How can you say I'm cruel? I'm just happy we got her rear-end through the doorway'
'When they announced a 'ladies excuse-me' my bird said 'excuse me' and left'
'Half the time we get on fine - the other half, he's here'
'Yes, some mornings I do wake up grumpy - but only if he's oversleeping'
'So, on the face of it, what's your verdict?' (husband to wife's beautician).
'Yes, I once swore my love for him - now I just swear at him'
'At least the mess I make is all in one place'
'Forget 'forsaking all others', you can have the week off' (housewife to husband).
'She likes doing puzzles - she cooked me three last week'
'For our second honeymoon to be better than the first, he'd have to stay at home'
'Ready for the next installment?' (at a marriage counselor).
'I think he's got a fancy woman - someone's been darning his socks.'