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"In an unexpected development, the market behaved rationally today."
Tags:accountant, accountants, accounting, stock market, stock markets, stock, stocks, market, market crash, business, businesses, share, shares, shareholder, shareholders, news, news bulletin, breaking news, top story, top stories, unexpected, shocking, shock, shocked, surprised, surprises, surprises, surprisingly, surprising, turn of events, rational, rationally, developments, developments, develops, develop, developing, economists, economist, economy, social science, social scientist, irrational, irrationality
"Hey, no problem. Just touching base to say 'Hi. How goes it?' and to tell you that we really care about you. And now back to our show."
Tags:check in, checks in, checking in, call home, calls home, calling home, news bulletin, news bulletins, breaking news, interrupt, interrupts, interrupting, interruption, interruptions, touch base, touches base, touching base, human contact, care, cares, caring, gesture, gestures, ad break, ad breaks, thoughtful, thoughtfulness, kind, kindness, mental health, mental health problem, mental health problems
'Stocks remained steady, due to weak production in the rumor mills today...'
'The market was up today on rumors that the rumors were only rumors...'
'Responding to viewer sentiment, we have eliminated world news and expanded our entertainment and sports news.'
'We'll be back, after this commercial break, with more reasons why its not safe to leave your house.'
'Mercury levels were found to be high in canned tuna. Here with the story is...'
'Here are the latest poll results...'hype' leads 'truth' by a 2-1 margin.'
'Economic indicators are down, but cheer up! The history revisionists will turn this into 'the good old days'...'
"This just in! The fault is not in ourselves, but in our stars."
Tags:caesar, julius caesar, et tu brutus, shakespeare, the fault is not in our stars, special bulletin, special bulletins, news bulletin, news bulletins, off the hook, excuse, excuses, making excuses, pass the blame, passing the blame, pass the buck, passing the buck, modern life, modern time, modern attitudes, justify, justification, justifying, justifications
'This just in: the inhabitants of planet Earth are being recalled for the correction of a major defect.'
"Don't Look At it! It's A Listicle!"
Tags:listicle, listicles, news article, news articles, news bulletin, news report, news reports, list, news, article, bullet points, internet, rss, tips, hints, monster, monsters, hypnosis, hypnotic, hypnotism, brain-dead, attention, danger, mind, brain, information, screen slave, internet, online, addict, addicts, addiction, addictions
"And that was the news...stay tuned, after the break we'll be back with the fake news."
'We are interrupting this news bulletin to bring you a debate on the merits of news bulletins.'
'I don't have a bedtime story, how about a news bulletin? . . . No, no, that would keep you awake.'
'We interrupt this Special Bulletin to give you an even more special bulletin!'
'And in other news, 'You're fired: effective immediately.' HEY!?...'
Sue always liked to look at the bigger picture...
This Just In...Iran invades Pakistan, local plant closes, now back to our special on Michael Jackson.
'If you're watching this bulletin on TV, run like hell!'
'Entertainment stocks were up on rumours that there's no business like show business.'
'The president wants to send people to mars - preferably an advance team from Halliburton.'
'The stock market remained unchanged, on the news that the more things change, the more they stay the same.'
'The president said he wants to send NASA to the 'red planet' to put an end to communism in the solar system.'
'We are banned from reporting inside that country, so instead our correspondent joins us from the Dog and Duck, just around the corner.'