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"Dad, tell me the 'Off Side Rule', everybody's waiting..."
Woman watches football match played by a mug of tea, salt pot and ketchup bottle, she says to husband: 'Your explanation of the offside rule was spot on.'
Mole on football pitch asks: 'What's up, am I offside?'
"I'm knackered trying to keep tabs on the potential consequences of the away goal rule!"
The off-side rule explained (don't hit someone full in the face).
"..And Shearer's been caught by the off-side trap!"