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"Dad, tell me the 'Off Side Rule', everybody's waiting..."
Woman watches football match played by a mug of tea, salt pot and ketchup bottle, she says to husband: 'Your explanation of the offside rule was spot on.'
"I'm knackered trying to keep tabs on the potential consequences of the away goal rule!"
"Er...Can you remind me of the offside laws officer?"
"..And Shearer's been caught by the off-side trap!"