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'Wally? Do you think I'm a good mother?...So who's going to take the blame for this?'
"He's still working on his communication skills."
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'Try cutting down on his cling peaches.'
'Wait a second. . . where's his license to parent?'
'We're measuring the tub to see how big an alligator we can get!'
Mom Skills: Psychologist, Doctor, Philosopher, Mathematician, Geneticist, Religious, Negotiator, Baker.
'You always told me to be honest.'
'Shoot! I lost him alright. Looks like I've got a hole in my pocket.'
'I'm a self-centered 13 year old, and even I know that's ridiculous. Our mom is a person, she needs her own friend and adult life.'
'Max, we have to put the rubber band gun away...I made a mistake giving it to you. It's for older kids...Trust me...it hurts me as much as it hurts you.'
'I read Jane Eyre cover to cover and there are no sex scenes.'
'No. no. When your wife asked you to change the baby, she meant the diaper.'
'Wally, Max can't have a rubber band gun...I know you made it for him...and you had one when you were a kid...but Max is too young!'
'The fifth rule of parenting. . . cross that bridge when you come to it.'
'I took away Max's rubber band gun and now he hates me...maybe if I bribed him with ice cream...'
'I was aiming at mama but she ducked faster than you.'
'It's tough raising teenagers. We tried tough-love. When that didn't work, we used tough-luck.'
'Separate checks, please.'
"Say, honey, have you seen Jerome junior lately?"
'Thanks for being a good dad to my dad's dad, so he was a good dad to my dad, so he was a good dad to me!'
'When I had my baby I learned the meaning of 24/7.'
'Perhaps NOW you'll believe they were excellent parents, Quimby!'
'Sometimes I think Mom has eyes in the back of her head.'
'How long did you intern with Grandma before you became a full-fledged Mom?'
'Parenting skills don't come naturally. You learn from the experience of screwing up your kids just like your parents did.'