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Baptisms should always have ground rules: "Make this quick, I can only hold my breath for 17 seconds."
John is asked what church he attends (The First Baptist, of course!)
"I think people who are non-denominational have commitment issues."
If Adam and Eve were Baptist.
"Sorry Judas, we only came up with 29 pieces of silver."
"I know filled with the spirit, and you most certainly are not."
"Now remember, after this anointing you need to return every 3 months or 3000 miles."
"It's not that we consider ourselves holier than others just because we choose to sit in the front row."
"No, anointing oil does not come in different grades depending on the application."
"It's my life line in case the rapture happens, so I'm not left behind."
Visiting the aquarium was never the same for Jonah after the Nineveh incident.
"These choir robes are so hot, I'm glad I went commando."
"Still not sure why Moses wanted a flint knife, or what exactly circumcision is..."
Absalon's bad hair day.