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"If you're really disciplined, you can get through all the paperwork in a 50 hour week..."
'It's just so like you not to notice. For your information, I've been gluten-free for the past 24 minutes.'
'Stop feeling sorry for yourself! Start feeling sorry for me.'
'Fred's too lazy to fix things around the house. On the plus side, he's also too lazy to break things.'
'Marital Status?' - 'Henpecked.'
'I'm sixty-five. I'm retiring from being a house wife!'