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"Not the real you? Well, of course it's not the real you. The real you is bald."
"Yes, Peters, it is just legalese. It's all just legalese. We're a law firm."
'That's it. Your allowance doesn't include a suggested gratuity.'
A Pair of Slippers
'I started a band called 999 Megabytes - we haven't gotten a gig yet.'
'Climb a tree and act like a nut.'
'What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?'
'Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere!'
'You want to hear a pizza joke? It's pretty cheesy.'
'Why can't a bike stand on its own?'
'I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it's more of a wrap.'
'What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary?'
'Do you know how to kill a vegetarian vampire? With a steak to the heart.'
'Did you watch the horror movie?'
'What's the best part about living in Switzerland?'
'What did the ocean say to the beach?'
'What do you call two fat people having a chat?'
'I've just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.'
'What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?'
'My hand got crushed by a pile of books.'
'Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.'
'What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.'
'What do you call a sheep with no legs?'
Comedian is hook-rescued from angry audience.