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"As per your father's wishes, the reading of the will shall be preceded by a tight five-minute comedy set inspired by my dating life -- or lack thereof!"
"And to Nathan, I bequeath 200 terabytes of photos."
"Not much in the way of hard assets, I'm afraid, but he did leave some highly desirable organs."
'To my favorite waiter I leave the usual 20 percent.'
"'Give my regards to Broadway. Remember me to Herald Square.'"
'I'm afraid that all Frosty left in his will is a carrot and a few pieces of coal.'
"...and to my beloved nephew, John... I leave the location of my secret fishing spot!"
"And being of sound mind... I leave it to beaver."
'...your father has also bequeathed your Grandfather;s place on the allotment waiting list to you, as he hoped that one day a family member may get allocated a plot'
The estate goes toy unless your relative shows up, he does.
'I should preface the reading of the will to inform you that the deceased hated everybody's guts.'
'The good news is that you've inherited something from your father. The bad news is, it's his huge nose.'
'It shouldn't take long to wnd up your Aunt's estate. She only left you an alarm clock.'
'As we all know your dear, deceased Aunt Clara, was a devoted cat lover...'
'... And to Mable, I leave whatever was on the trap at the time of my death. '
'Your Great Uncle has left you all his money in this family heirloom!'
"I reckon we can forget the word cruise, Doreen!"
"I trust my late husband didn't leave any nasty surprises?"
"I'm afraid he left everything to charity... Oh, I see. I take it your name's Charity?"
"Where there's a will...there are relatives!"