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'My policy is to stay in close contact with my employees . . . figuratively speaking.'
'Dad, have you ever thought about researching our family tree?'
"Just so you guys know, in the event of an emergency I'm fully trained in P.R."
Tags:word play, play on words, dining, drinking, eating, restaurant, restaurants, waiter, waitresses, waiting, dine, diner, dinner, eat out, public relations, pr, p.r., priorities, cpr, cardiopulmonary resuscitation, resuscitation, resuscitating, medical, presenting, appearance, appearances, appear, relations, advertising, advert, advertisement, cover up, spin, spinning
"You are fair, compassionate, and intelligent, but you are perceived as biased, callous, and dumb."
Tags:relationships, public, pseudo science, relations, men, psychics, fortune tellers, psychology, personality, perception, perceptions, unpopular, unpopularity, callous, unlikable, unlikable personality, misperception, misperceptions, false impression, false impressions, bad impression, bad impressions, mankoff
'What if, and I know this sounds kooky, we communicated with the employees.'
"I brought Tom home to my parents and left him there."
When you said you were going to find your ancestors I thought you meant on the INTERNET!
In case of disgruntled employee break glass.
"That's Stuart and Vivian Muntner. They're a one-marriage family."
Tags:ancestor, ancestors, ancestry, family tree, family trees, relative, relatives, relation, relations, family, family life, family-life, extended family, extended families, uncle, cavemen, caveman, cavewomen, cavewoman, tribe, tribes, neanderthal, neanderthals, prehistory, family historian, family historians, family history
"You'll fins some mints on the pillow, polishing our brand."
'You'll notice the boss has boundaries.'
'Wake up honey, I can't sleep!'
'Nuts, nuts, nothing but nuts!' When Squirrels Search Their Family Trees.
When you said you were going to track down your ancestors I thought you meant on the INTERNET.
'Get me public relations!'
'Sorry, but I've forgotten your name. Turn around and let me scan your UPC code.'
'I've just been laid off. Is it too late to sign that union card you were telling me about?'
'How can you make so many mistakes in one report?'
The number of couples separating keeps growing.
Tags:separating, separation, separations, divorcing, marital breakdown, marriage breakdown, marriage breakdowns, marital breakdowns, separated, divorce, divorces, divorce rate, divorce rates, couples, couple, relation, relations, gender equality, relation problems, marriage, lazy husband, lazy husbands, wife, wives, husband, husbands
"We're spending Christmas with our grandparents in the Land of Forced Smiles."
Tags:kid, kids, child, children, childhood, bad childhood, christmas, xmas, christmas holiday, christmas holidays, christmas vacation, christmas vacations, christmas day, christmas break, christmas breaks, relatives, relations, grandparent, grandparents, grandma, grandmas, grandmothers, grandpa, grandpas, grandfather, grandfathers, nan, nans, pop, pops, in-law, in-laws, mother-in-law, father-in-laws, forced smile, forced smiles, smile, smiles, fake smile, fake smiles, forced, land of, family, families, family issues, family problems, bad christmas, miserable christmas, unhappy christmas, spending time with family, spending time with relatives, going to the grandparent's, visiting grandparents
"You need more info? Listen, son, our ancestors faked it, I fake it, and by gawd, it's time you learned to fake it."
'I traced your genealogy. Better have a seat.'
Suggestions go straight in the bin.