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'It was an early-retirement offer I couldn't turn down. They threw a pile of money my way, asked me to disappear in a puff of smoke, and before they could change their minds, I was gone!'
"He didn't exactly ask for a divorce-he offered me an early-retirement package."
Tags:relationship, relationships, relationship issues, relationship problems, divorce, divorcing, separate, separating, split, splitting, marriage, marriages, married life, retire, retirement, early retirement, retirement package, early-retirement, couple, couples, husband, husbands, wife, wives, money, property, properties, settlement, settlements, alimony
'He quickly became irreplaceable when we saw the size of his severance package.'
Golden Parachutes for Middle Managers
Tags:retirement, retirement package, retirement packages, downsize, downsize, golden parachute, golden parachutes, middle manager, middle managers, middle management, severance pay, severance package, redundancy package, severance packages, redundancy pay, downsizing, job, employment, parachute, manager, 401k, severance, pay
'Sorry, you don't qualify for the early retirement package. You're too old.'
"So then I thought why don't we just enjoy our pension flexibility now?"
Tags:pension, pensions, pensioner, pensioners, garden gnome, garden gnomes, gnome, flexible, retirement, money, lump, sum, grade, gnomes, retirement package, retirement packages, splurge, splurges, splurging, savings, savings account, savings accounts, surprise, surprises, bad surprise, bad surprises
"The board wants me to retire. They offered me a golden parachute pants deal."
Ed becomes fully vested in his company's retirement plan.
'Of course, the real money is after you leave the throne and become a lobbyist.'
'This urn contains the ashes of all my annual performance reviews. They gave it to me in lieu of a gold watch, when I filed for retirement. Management said money is tight.'
"He told me I was a flip phone expected to do a smart phone job!"
Tags:smartphone, smartphones, cellphone, cellphones, cell, cells, mobile, mobiles, phone, phones, flip phone, flip phones, obsolete, obsolete technology, old-fashioned, old fashioned, out of date, performance review, performance reviews, appraisal, appraisals, retirement package, retirement packages, retirement, retirements, lay off, lay offs, redundancy, redundancies
'We really can't afford golden parachutes any more, but here's a plastic crash helmet.'
"When you're too old to work here I will send you to the dog food factory...as dog food."
"I just found out the amount of my monthly pension. They should rename this office the INHUMAN relations department!"
"I can't give you a golden handshake, Perkins, but I'll wave you a fond farewell from my office window."
"I'm prepared to offer you a severance package..."
'The golden parachutes are all gone. You'll have to settle for a golden lifejacket.'
'When I retire I hope for a soft landing.'
'We don't offer a retirement plan, but when you turn 65, no more required overtime!'
You're fortunate to have reached your Golden Years. You want the Golden Handcuffs or Golden Parachute?
'The tender is your severance package, Queequeg. Bon voyage!'
'I know what you're thinking, and, no, it's not a golden parachute.'
'No, Hal, you can't share my retirement package.'
'We were going to give you a severance package, but we used it to throw you this retirement party instead.'
"He told me I was a flip phone expected to do a smart phone job."
Tags:ageism, ageist, ageists, cell, cells, cellphone, cellphones, mobile, mobiles, smartphone, smartphones, retirement, retirements, retirement package, retirement packages, redundancy, redundancies, retirement age, obsolete, old-fashioned, old fashioned, flip phone, flip-phone, flip-phones, flip phones