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'On a personal note, I'm happy to report that I've been promoted from the network's chief 'pundit' to chief 'pontificator'.'
Man with mobile phone says: 'I can't call for help, I'm filming this for the TV news.'
News presenters read inane text messages from viewers: 'And a text from Stuart in Gloucester ... HAHAHA DAT CRAKS ME UP!!! LOL!! UR DA GR8EST :-)XOXOX'
Man films uses phone camera. Woman says: 'I fail to see how filming the cat makes you a citizen journalist.'
'How did you cope before 24-hour rolling gossip?'
'David Cameron has not been interviewed on TV today.'
'Coming up: papers, pins and stones ... and the rest of the rolling news.'
'We are banned from reporting inside that country, so instead our correspondent joins us from the Dog and Duck, just around the corner.'
Drinkers avidly watch news on TV. Man says: 'TV is killing the art of ill-informed pub conversation.'
A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel
"I've raised my fret level."
"They want to see more snow on your hat next time. . . ."