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"My father tried to help me tell time, Mrs. Davis, but I couldn't tell which of my hands was bigger to show the hour!"
"I hope you're not expecting a tip."
"The school year is officially over, and the teachers won."
"So children, when we say 'the cat IS on the mat', what we mean is...that is where is has its ontological epiphany."
"Well, it's not wrong if you consider the alternative facts."
"Answer your question? You mean in real time?"
"It's Billy's teacher. She's just calling to say how much she detests him."
"I imagine you've noticed my particular kind of humor doesn't appeal to everyone!"