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'I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I've either got...'
"I looked up my symptoms on the internet and found out that I'm DEAD and it's YOUR FAULT!"
"Your internet researched analysis of your condition and treatment is impressive,and it would be 100% on target...if you were a goat!"
"Here I was, all this time, worrying that maybe I'm a selfish person, and now it turns out I've been suffering from compassion fatigue."
"Amazing your knowledge of the virus, if anything, I should pay you."
"Are you sure you're not confusing manic-depressive with awake-asleep?"
"Give a man an exam and he'll be healthy for a day; teach a man to examine himself and he'll be healthy for a lifetime."
'There's no such thing as 'ookawooka-itis' -- You have got to stop watching doctor shows!'
"You're looking peaky, Doctor Henderson."
"Nurse! Call the doctor, I've found out what is wrong with me."
'Our health plan consists of an hour of free web time to self-diagnose.'
'You're an incorrigible hypochondriac! Go home, take two placebos, and diagnose yourself on the internet in the morning.'
"I have a pain right here. I think it might be appendicitis."