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'I think he needs to work a little more on giving feedback.'
'We would like to see you put a little more worry into your work.'
'You do a fine job guarding the place, we just need you to shed less.'
'You need improvement. I've heard good things about you.'
'We all have to cut back - I'm giving up the pleasure of giving you a bonus.'
...and this was that really cute kitty cat video on YouTube.
'We'll also need to do a credit/blame analysis.'
'I told you, you don't get to see your personnel evaluation until we're finished with it.'
'Leaving twice a day to get milked is impacting your job performance.'
'Your evaluation is based on the next 30 seconds. Go!'
'Henry has found his niche with us.'
'Lucky you, you got out before they really downsized us.'
'But you just has a raise back in 1970.'
'Your attention span is not very long.'
'You're somewhere between how good you think you are...to how bad I know you are.'
'All ninteen layers of management agree: We have to cut some of our frontline employees if we're to stay competitive.'
'Productivity has been flat since we hired the beaver and the sloth to job share.'
'We've agreed to cut our ten minute tea break, to fifteen minutes.'
'I think you're going to have to explain what 'being transitioned out of the company' means...'
'To stay competitive, we're instituting a new return policy...if a customer complains about our policy for more than 5 minutes then just give them a refund.' - 'I'm instituting a new strategy for my next review.'