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"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."
Tags:parent, parents, parenting, parenthood, growing up, child rearing, kid, kids, child, stand up, stand-up, stand up comedy, stand-up comedy, comedian, comedians, comedy, show business, conservative, conservatives, conservative family, conservative families, conservative view, conservative views, blame, pass the blame, passing the blame, incompetent, incompetence, untalented
"Now is the part of the show when we ask the audience to shout out some random numbers."
Tags:theatre, theater, stage, stageshow, stage show, entertain, entertains, entertaining, entertainers, act, acting, actor, actors, actress, actresses, improv, improv comedy, improvised, improvising, obscure, complex, complicated, brain, brainiac, nerd, nerds, geek, geeks, convoluted, account, accountant, accountants, accounting, stand-up, stand-up comedy, stand up, stand up comedy, number, numbers, number crunching, spreadsheet, spreadsheets
Tragedy and Material
Tags:comedy and tragedy, sock and buskin, stand up, stand-up, stand up comedy, stand-up comedy, comedian, inspiring, inspiration, comedy material, comedic material, taking advantage, comedians, comedy, show business, stand up comedian, stand up comedians, perspectives, different perspectives, optimist, optimists, optimism, different outlooks
"Do I really have to add 'Just kidding' after everything I say?"
"I just flew in from the Coast. Boy, are my references tired."
Tags:plane travel, air travel, jetlag, jetlagged, regional, west, the west, west coast, the west coast, time delay, time difference, time differences, tired, comedian, comedians, stand up comedy, stand up, stand ups, stand up comic, stand up comics, stand up comedian, stand up comedians, stand-up comedy, stand-up comedian, stand-up comedians, bad joke, bad jokes, out of date, out of touch, behind the times, irrelevant
"I don't even know when late night begins anymore."
Tags:tv, television, television shows, television shows, broadcasting, broadcaster, broadcasters, tv broadcaster, tv broadcasters, tv broadcasting, program, programming, programme, programing, late night, late night tv, late night televsion, watershed, the watershed, owl, owls, bird, birds, strigiformes, late-night tv, late-night television, talk show, talk shows, late night talk show, late night talk shows, late-night talk shows, standup, satnd-up, stand up comedy, stand-up comedy, stand up comedian, stand-up comedians, stand-up comedians, stand up comedians, inappropriate tv, inappropriate television, adult television, parent, parents, parenting, parenthood
"But seriously, folks..."
"My dad is at a very impressionable age."
Tags:impressions, impression, do an impression, doing an impression, doing impressions, stand-up, stand-ups, stand-up comedy, stand-up comedian, comedian, comedians, impressionable, impressionable age, impressionable ages, dad, dad, father, fathers, kids, kid, son, sons, comedy, comedy club, comedian, comedy club, comedy clubs
"I've been in show business so long I used to make jokes about the end of the world before there was an end to the world!"
Tags:apocalypse, the apocalypse, end of days, the end of days, end of the world, the end of the world, zombie, zombies, stand up, stand-up, stand up comedy, stand-up comedy, comedian, comedians, comedy, show business, arrogant, arrogance, conceit, conceited, show off, show-off, show offs, show-offs, showing off
"Deal with it Your Majesty- Comedy is king!"
Tags:king, kings, royal, royals, royalty, comedy is king, jester, jesters, court jester, court jesters, palace coup, palace coups, usurp, usurped, usurper, usurpers, take over, take overs, take-over, take-overs, disrespectful, medieval times, medieval, comedian, comedians, stand up, stand-up, stand up comedy, stand-up comedy
"What?! You didn't say nuthin' about this bein' a yo' mam joke battle!"
Tags:cowboys, cowboy, wild-west, western, american west, wild west, old west, westerns, western frontier, frontier towns, showdown, show downs, high noon, gun fights, yo mama, your mama, your momma, yo momma, jokes, joke battles, insult battles, insults, comedy, comedians, stand up comedy, stand up comics, stand-up comedy, duel, duels, gun slinger, gunslinger, gunslingers, gun slingers, gun-slinger, gun-slingers
"So far, open-mike night has not caught on."
Tags:open mic, open mic night, open mic nights, open-mic, open-mic night, open-mic nights, microphone, microphones, singing, singer, singers, amateur singer, amateur singers, monk, monks, guru, gurus, meditator, meditators, meditate, meditating, silent, silence, vow of silence, vows of silence, unpopular, popularity, comedy, comedians, comedian, stand up comedy, stand up comedian, stand up comedians, stand up, stand-up, stand-up comedy, serious, overly serious, seriousness
'Oh no, it's a funny tern.'
Tags:tern, terns, funny turn, funny turns, faint, faints, fainting, fainted, pass out, passing out, passes out, bird, birds, waterfowl, ornithology, ornithologist, ornithologists, arctic tern, arctic terns, sea tern, sea terns, comedian, comedians, stand-up, stand-ups, stand-up comedy, nest, nests, nesting, perform, performs, performance, performances
Open Mic Nacht
"Thank you. You've been a great audience."
My name is Adolf Hitler.
Physics Improv. "I now vill be taking suggestions from ze audience..."
'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'
'Do you want to learn how to be a stand-up or are you kids just going to heckle me?'
'I was set to go on vacation, but I didn't have the right luggage...So I asked Gary Sinise if I could borrow the bags under his eyes.'
"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"
Tags:baldo, long term goal, long term goals, long term plan, long term plans, graduate, graduates, career path, career paths, career, careers, career day, career days, mooch, mooches, mooching, comedian, comedians, stand-up comedy, standup, taxpayer, taxpayers, five-year plan, ten-year plan, ten-year plans
'I was practising my stand-up comedy routines in here last night and cracked up the bell.'
'... so I said, 'Now try doing that with a bottle'. But seriously cokes.'