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'In a surprise move today, everybody filed for bankruptcy.'
'The President today announced tough new security measures for ego trips....'
'Bad things happened to good people today -- film at eleven.'
'...And no salesman will call -- You may, however, find yourself on a bunch of whacky mailing lists.'
'The opinions expressed by Burt are not necessarily those of Ernie.'
'The discovery of a rare manuscript has revealed that Leonardo da Vinci invented the pay toilet.'
'In an effort to 'level the playing field,' the Government today decided to tax everybody at 100....
'Now I KNOW it's insulting my intelligence!'
'Good evening. I'm Margie Stableford, the blondest newscaster on television!'
'The Government reports no progress today in its talks with the International Brotherhood of Federal Mediators....'
'This is National Public Television, under fierce attack from the extreme right....'
'What exactly did Bill O'Reilly SAY?'