Testifying Cartoons and Comics

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and not in some sneaky relativistic way?"

"I had ethical momentum, but I was unable to sustain it."

"Bad news, chief. Those cowboys in accounting – they're singing."

"Moose told Dog, and Dog told Frog, and Frog told Kitty, and Kitty told me."

General Haseltine Crossing the Potomac to Testify

"Perhaps this will refresh your memory."

"You're doing fine. A little more perjury and you'll be out of the woods."

"Your constant cries to cut the pork sadden me, Senator."

Senate Hearing: 'Define torture.' 'Having to testify before this committee.'

'I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth ... almost.'

"Permission to treat the witness like gum stuck to the bottom of my heels?"

"If you don't mind, Senator, I'd like to render the rest of my testimony sotto voce."

"I'd prefer to wear the mask, Commissioner, but I will slip out of these boots and skis, if you have no objection."

"If a tree falls in the forest and hits a certain individual, would he still be able to testify?"

"Mind if I thump it? I'm a Bible-thumper."

"Friends don't let friends turn state's evidence."

"If I have to explain the joke, it's not funny."

"Isn't it true that the prosecution offered you a bone to testify?"

"No, we don't grant immunity for testifying against other people!"

"My character witness couldn't stop laughing."

'He is meeting with a team of obfuscators preparing for his appearance before the Senate investigation committee.'

'Is the witness fee the only reason you decided to testify at this time, Mr. Blum?'

'The only character witness is a video rental clerk who will testify you always rewound your videotapes.'

'I'm taking the 21st amendment.'

The evangelist turned lawyer's opening arguments were unconvincing