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"Gays and lesbians getting married – haven't they suffered enough?"
"Well, there's no sense in us both getting a lobotomy."
"Look, hon, I know both of our schedules have been crazy, but I still think we should take time out to consummate our marriage."
"I credit our long marriage to Stockholm syndrome."
"I've lost track. Are you unhappy because I said you were making me unhappy or is it the other way around?"
'If it weren't for my husband, we'd be the perfect couple.'
"Sometimes I close my eyes and pretend that someone else is denying me sex."
'There's only one thing that keeps me from being a happily married woman...him.'
The ACME marital adjustment test
"As long as we're renewing our vows anyway, I've come up with a few new ones."
'That's not a wedding ring, that's shrapnel.'
'Lost that loving feeling. If found, call 555-1234.'
'What our marriage needs are some spectacular special effects.'
It's to celebrate 24 wonderful hours without an argument.
Avoid alimony, stay single or stay married.
'I love to remember times long, long ago...' 'And I was far, far away.'
'Herbert is an important cog in the machinery of my marriage.'
'Actually, Steve, I liked you better BEFORE you learned to express your true inner feelings.'
'Her nagging goes in one ear and in the other.'
'...and this is my wife - I'm legally obligated to tell you that.'
'I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death.'
'I was an incurable optimist, until my wife came up with a miracle drug.'
'Stand up straight!'