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"Hello, dear. This is Mom. Have you lost your mind or what?"
"This is the voicemail of Michel Barnier.For angry drunk ranting, press 1. For separate, weepy pleading, press 2. To just sorta breathe heavily into the phone for an extended period, press 3."
"You have reached someone who does not answer the phone after 8 p.m. If this is a matter of life and death, it will likely be resolved by morning."
"Hi, you've reached Susan's desk. I am monotasking right now, so I'll call you back it's the phone's turn again. Beep!"
'Sorry nobody came to the phone just now but we thought the ringing was coming from the TV.'