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Not in Service
'Choose your own waiter' at a restaurant.
'Coming to you direct from table nine; 'the polenta is cold'.'
'Water? Still? Sparkling? Mountain? Hill? Bottle? Tap? Warm? Cold? Ice? Lemon?'
'Well, if you're in such a hurry, why did you order snails?'
'Here comes the bill.'
'Where's that waiter with our fish course?'
'Allow me to tell you about our house special.'
Long cork screw.
'That's our entry-level menu.'
"...well you presume wrongly!...Mine's the steak, my wife's is the seafood platter!"
Man with a 'menu', woman with a 'womenu'.
'Your starter, sir.'
"I'll have the Squid Surprise."
"I'll try the Ostrich"
'The last time Phil ordered in French, he got Hungarian goulash!'
'Nothing here, thanks. We're just husband bashing!'
'Mr. Spencer specifically ordered 'well done'!'
'Will that be all, Sir?'
'The house wine is bery good shir.' (Waiter with a cold)
'The only thing I can honestly recommend, Sir, is get plenty of fresh air and exercise.'
'Better steer clear of the red meat - I'll have pink salmon with a few blue mussels, green peas, black eyed beans and a bottle of rose.'
'So what's strange about it - can't a dog be a vegetarian?'
Couple in restaurant, "Sorry it's slow, Chef's got the runs"
'The 'All you can eat for two' - and the same for the wife please.'