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'Choose your own waiter' at a restaurant.
'Coming to you direct from table nine; 'the polenta is cold'.'
'Water? Still? Sparkling? Mountain? Hill? Bottle? Tap? Warm? Cold? Ice? Lemon?'
'Here comes the bill.'
'Allow me to tell you about our house special.'
Long cork screw.
'That's our entry-level menu.'
Man with a 'menu', woman with a 'womenu'.
'Your starter, sir.'
"I'll try the Ostrich"
"I'll have the Squid Surprise."
'Will that be all, Sir?'
'Mr. Spencer specifically ordered 'well done'!'
'The only thing I can honestly recommend, Sir, is get plenty of fresh air and exercise.'
'The last time Phil ordered in French, he got Hungarian goulash!'
'So what's strange about it - can't a dog be a vegetarian?'
'Better steer clear of the red meat - I'll have pink salmon with a few blue mussels, green peas, black eyed beans and a bottle of rose.'
'Sorry, sir, the fish is off.'
'The 'All you can eat for two' - and the same for the wife please.'
'...and, after the chef's surprise, we have the cashier's surprise.'
'Oh, it's definitely the chef's surprise. He got fired for it.'
'Something to wet the pallet, Sir?'
'...and one 'death by chocolate', Sir.'
'I think I'll just leave a hate tip,'
"Would Sir like that with salad, bread or bad humour"